Be On Your Way

 "The Lord said to Samuel, “How long will you mourn for Saul, since I have rejected him as king over Israel? Fill your horn with oil and be on your way;..." 1 Samuel 16:1

This was a tiny portion of the Old Testament reading last Sunday. It leapt off the page as I was reading it early that morning before most were up and moving around. I've talked in the past about grief. It is real and it should not be ignored. We must give ourselves time to face those emotions, to be honest about them, both with ourselves and with others. There is no shame in grief. And there is no shame in how long it might take us to move through it. So let me preface the coming thoughts by saying THAT is not what I'm musing on in this particular post.

In this section of the Old Testament reading, Samuel was still stuck in his expectations of Saul as king of Israel. He was not originally on board with the whole idea of an earthly king for Israel and spoke that to his people pretty honestly. But once Saul became king, he seemed to get on board. As time went on and Saul repeatedly showed Samuel who he was: proud, stubborn, willful... Samuel did not let go - it seems he could not move past Saul's failure. God made it clear that He was moving on - that Saul was not the king He would bless, yet Samuel was not following in step with God's next steps. And here's what we hear: "How long will you mourn?... Fill your horn and be on your way." -- Get on with reality! Not what you want it to be -- What. It. IS.

How often do you find your expectations of others to be a bit unrealistic? How often do you find yourself sitting in a deep sorrow - and truth be told, as you evaluate it, much of that sorrow is rooted in the fact that you are expecting far more from people, or maybe a particular person, than they are able to give - or have even shown a willingness or an interest in giving?

This girl. I do this.

So often.

I've spent the last several years recognizing that I need to lower my expectations of others - yet still find myself there, over and over again. I've also found that part of the reason I do that is because it begins with me -- I place extremely unrealistic expectations on my own self. Yes, there is *some* truth to the adage that people rise to the level of your expectation -- but those expectations must be grounded in reality. A portion of the Serenity Prayer that I had never heard until a few years ago says, "Taking, as Jesus did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it,..." THIS is reality.

There are times that people will fail us in spectacular ways.

There are times that the future we imagined will shatter in to a million tiny, jagged pieces right in front of us. 

There will be times that we simply want what will never happen - others, with their own free will, do not do what we want and they likely never will.

There will be times that we want something, based on our own prejudices or skewed opinions or lack of knowledge, that should not be.

These circumstances, and these people, are not in our control. Ever. So what do we do?

It's okay to grieve the death of that dream, the shattering of that expectation, the confusion of realizing we are wrong. It is good to sit with it and follow it to it's root. If not, it will likely never heal, we will not grow any wiser. 

BUT...

Then what? "Fill your horn with oil and be on your way."

Do what I know to do next. Take the next step. Look at reality as. it. IS. - Not as I would have it to be. 

Facing what IS, what is the wisest next step forward? Then do that.

And keep doing that.

Samuel continued to be puzzled, even has he filled his horn and moved forward. His expectations had to be adjusted and changed on the fly, until he FINALLY saw what God was trying to show him. He stayed open. Flexible. Willing to see past his own expectations and presuppositions. To let God surprise him.

I really believe that when I'm willing to let go of all of that, He will show me things I would never have come up with on my own. Better things.

When I let people be who they've shown themselves to be, we can all move forward in reality - even when that reality may be excruciatingly hard.

I have to let go of what I expect people to be and face what they are.

I have to let go of how I want a particular circumstance to end up going, and face what is actually happening.

God is God. I am not.

So, I'll pick up my horn - and be on my way.

Perplexed

"Perplexed, but not in despair" ~ 2 Cor. 4:8 

I read this early this morning and it was exactly what this often weary, perplexed heart needed. I've spent much of my life wrestling with the need to be certain - about most everything. And while I'm learning to let go of this and rest easier in, "I don't know," I can easily find myself sidetracked when I'm not practicing mindfulness and presence.

• I want to know. 
• I want to fix.
• I want to control.
• I want to understand.
• I want answers.

But here's real life: I do not know. I cannot fix it. I cannot control it. I may never understand. I may never get an answer.

I can tuck-and-roll my way from perplexed to despair in record speed. -- OR -- I can also choose to rest in the perplexity. Perplexity may often not be the final destination, but it also will not be an uncommon space in this life. Being perplexed, confused, filled with doubts, does not mean God is not still faithful and present.

I am not God. None of us are. To think we can fully know Him is hubris. To think we are capable of controlling circumstances or other people is utter foolishness. To constantly strive to be more, and more yet again, is a battle that will ultimately kill us. Yet, we strive, don't we?

I can remain open to learning, to understanding, to the new and previously unknown. I can unclench my fists, open my hands and my heart. Let go. I can choose to speak gently to myself and others as I wait. I can choose hope, even in perplexity.

May it be so.

Perplexed, but not in despair.