Still Trying To Get It Right

"Who is wise and understanding among you? Let them show it by their good life, by deeds done in the humility that comes from wisdom."

James - half brother of Jesus - said that.  


I'm studying James right now with a small group of women.  It's always a killer for me - James is, but God just keeps bringing me back to it.  Apparently He has some things for me to learn - and it's taking me a while to get it down.


In our study this week, I read a quote that was a little (and by "a little", I mean "a lot") convicting.  And not wanting you to feel left out, I'm gonna share it.


The Greek word, in the original language of the book of James, for humility means "the quality of not being overly impressed by a sense of one's self-importance".  


Ouch.


Here's the quote:


"In my woundedness and in my flesh, I delude myself into thinking that harshness and severity are worth it if another person is fortunate enough to gain my superior perspective.  


Wrong.  


The gentleness that is linked to wisdom in this context means living out of the knowledge that I am not the priority here."


This is a particularly hard word for me.  My personality is prone to telling you a couple of times, with kindness and gentleness, how things should be.  And then if you're not smart enough to see it my way after that, I lose patience.  I lose mercy.  I lose humility.


And God gently, with mercy, keeps reminding me - it's not about me.  


And even more than that - I am not always right.  I always think I'm right.  We all do.  If we knew we were wrong, we'd change, right?


I'm learning - slowly, and sometimes with much faltering, that I need to be quiet more often.  And when I do feel prompted to speak, to speak gently, with humility, with love.  And if they don't change, if they won't see things my way, I can still speak gently, with humility, with love.  Because it's not about me.  


It's about God.  Change in any of us is between Him and the individual in need of change.  


So, I can let it go.


I'm not God - and aren't we all very, very, happy about that?  

Remember to Not Forget

I have a friend that chides me for telling my kids, "Don't forget...such-and-so."  She says I should use the positive statement - "Remember...such-and-so."  That speaking in the positive will encourage them and make them more likely to actually remember.  I see her point, and I do try to do that often, but as I read Deuteronomy, I see God using both with great frequency.  


"Remember" and "Do not forget".  


God says this over, and over, and over again throughout the book.  Remember - do not forget. 


Why do you think that is?


I think it's because we are prone to forgetting - prone to not remember.  And because God values remembering.  Not forgetting what He's done for us - what He's brought us through - where He's taking us - the blessings He's given - the disasters He has either saved us from, or helped us through.  He wants us to remember.

The engagement and wedding of our daughter to the only man she's ever loved has been an emotional roller coaster ride for me.  I think because, in part, it has caused me to remember.  To not forget...


When they are babies and we aren't sleeping, we are prone to forget that we are called to this ministry of parenting.


When they are in their terrible twos and only-precious-when-they-sleep threes, we do not remember that what we pour into them matters.


When they are 8 and 9 and the weirdest little creatures to grace the planet, we forget that they have a calling and we are helping to shape that calling.


When they are 11 and 12 and independence is beginning to assert itself, we do not remember that God loves us (while still disciplining) through our own tantrums and we need to model that for them.


When they are 15 and 16, we forget everything -- just everything.


But every once in a while, God blesses us with milestones.  Birthdays, father-daughter dances, graduations, recitals, simple graces (like watching a 3-year-old sleep), great successes, (or sometimes, colossal failures), celebrations.  He slows us down and reminds us of what matters.  This engagement and wedding has been that for me.  


Going through the process of engagement and wedding planning with Erin and Jeff has had a profound impact on me, bringing so many things into perspective.  Watching the two of them beginning to make grown up decisions:  planning their future, marriage counseling, financial planning, work choices, finding a home, and the list goes on and on.  I've been so proud of them.  

Obviously we've know Erin her whole life, and we've known Jeff since he was 13 years old.  We've watched them together from goofy teenagers, to young adults, to now, married.  The journey has been at times trying and frustrating, we've all had joy and tears along the way  There were times that we forgot - we did not remember God's purposes in this journey.  Other times, He would remind us, and we would continue on.  It's been a good journey.

The thing I've thought on over and over, as we've been planning, is how many people are truly a part of who they are today - so many people that God placed in our lives to shape us - to shape them.  


There were a lot of people at the wedding celebration.  I was just in awe as I walked through the groups of people - stopping to hug, love, and visit with people that came to celebrate with us.  People that influenced their childhood - babysitting, loving, playing.  People that influenced their adolescence - teaching, praying, friendships.  People that influenced their teen years - mentors, friends, teachers.  People that influenced them indirectly by investing in the lives of Brian and I, of Jim and Mindy, to help us in being better parents, better teachers, better people.  So many memories, so much impact, so much love.  We are not in this game alone. 

It was truly humbling to me.  As I looked into so many faces and thought about the impact they had in the lives of our children - their part in the journey to where they stand today - I was humbled at how big our God is and how many He uses to work out His plan.  

The friends that stepped up to help us make this a fairy tale wedding for our princess and her prince have been amazing.  They planned, created, held accountable, glued, cut, hung, stitched, loaned, gave,  prayed, laughed, cried, cooked, served, sang, spoke, took pictures, fixed hair, ironed table cloths, carried chairs and tables, they stood up with Erin and kept her laughing through the stressful moments, stood up with Jeff (and did whatever boys do - I'm not exactly sure what that is...), got up early, stayed up late.  They gave their talents, their skills, their time, their love.  We weren't changing the world - we weren't changing history, exactly.  But we were stopping to celebrate - to remember.


 It appears to me that celebrations were important in scripture - God called His people to times of great celebration - and these people, these friends, wanted to help create a day to celebrate what God had done and it was beautiful.  They went far and above the call of duty - the call of friendship.  They were - they are - family.  

And I am grateful.  I am blessed.  

.

I'm a Little Teapot

"I'm a little teapot, 

short and stout,
here is my handle,
here is my spout.


When I get all steamed up,
here me shout.
Just tip me over,
and pour me out."

Here's just some of what's pouring out right now:

All my kids are home.

1. Content.  I love that we are all sleeping under the same roof again for at least this one week.  Luke is home for the summer.  Erin has moved out of her Ada house and is staying here until the wedding.  So for one glorious week, I have all my little chicks home again.

2.  Exhausted.  In #1, I mentioned "sleeping under the same roof".  I have to use this term loosely.  Teenagers and young adults, especially when all together for the first time in a while, do not sleep much.  The noise level is much higher; the boys pick on their sister as if it is their last day alive and their last chance to do so; and they tend to throw themselves over the foot of my bed just about the time I'm fading from consciousness and want to talk about their days.  This is not a complaint - I love all of this - but I'm old - and exhausted. :)

My daughter is getting married Saturday.

3.  Thrilled.  We love our daughter.  We love this young man.    We are excited to celebrate with them and create a day they will hopefully remember with joy for the rest of their lives.

4.  Overwhelmed.  I'm not a planner.  I'm not creative.  I'm not a people-person.  All of these things are helpful when planning a party for 200+ people.  So -- I'm overwhelmed.

5.  Melancholy.  Everything changes after Saturday.  I know it's a good change.  I'm watching my baby girl morph into a wife and it's a little freaky.   I know I'll adapt and love all of it.  But change brings out the melancholy in this girl.

6.  Grateful.  So many have come alongside me to help me through this season.  I cannot say enough and will likely devote a post to them at some point when I have more time to process.  But for now, I am forever grateful for good friends.  Friends that are planners, creative, energy-filled, encouraging.  -- Everything that I am not, and all that I need right now.

I'm sure there's more, but the little steam-whistle on my "to-do-list teapot" is screaming at me, so I'm off.

One Month From Today

Look at them...

Aren't they the cutest couple you've ever seen?

One month from today,  this young lady - my daughter - my baby - my first born - will change her name and become Mrs. Erin Cawthon.  One month from today, this young man will become our newest son.  I am thrilled for this day to come.  We have all waited a long time for it and can't wait to celebrate with them.  But...

Wow.  It's so weird.  They're grown!  We knew it was coming, but it's HERE!  

There's lots to do in preparation for this day of celebration and I could not feel  more inadequate to the task.  

Thankfully, I have amazing friends that surround me and keep me on task.  But that is not stopping the mini-panic attacks...  I think of all the tiny details:  food, chairs, music, decorations, clothes, flowers, table cloths, candles,...  Maybe I need to assign one of them to just making sure I don't completely lose focus on what's important here. 

                           A celebration of this beautiful thing God has done!  

A Dangerous Game

I may never hit publish on this one, but I'm needing to process some thoughts - so here goes... (and obviously, I did hit publish, so really, here goes...)

If you've read many of my blogs at all, you know that I've struggled greatly with letting go of my illusions of control over my children as they are growing up.  Well, I still am, so I won't go into that much - you can read previous posts to refresh yourself in that regard.

I'm not even sure how to express what I'm thinking right now, so it will likely sound pretty jumbled and will likely offend some of you.

I love my kids - I even like my kids most of the time and that makes me really happy.  I haven't always liked them.  We have definitely gone through seasons of raging hormones, teenage I-know-everything syndrome, blah, blah, blah, where, even though I've always, always loved them,  it was a chore to like them.  But now?  Right now, I really like them.

Our family lives in kind of a weird vortex of conflicting opinions - I'm sure everyone does, and I'd love to hear yours, but here's ours:

We have always homeschooled our children.  From day one, all the way through high school.  We come from a VERY conservative background, in all respects.  In our children's younger years, we pretty well surrounded ourselves with people just like us, so it was easy to be very judgmental of anyone that did/ believed differently that we did.  God has made our world a little bigger in the last ten or so years, and I've had to reflect on, and regret, a lot of that judgment and criticism.  I've also gotten the pleasure of being on the receiving end of some of it too. :)

What I've found most interesting is, after you've moved to center, you catch it from both sides. -- You're too strict; you're too permissive.  You're too sheltering; you're letting too much of the world in.  You're letting them read that?!;  You're not letting them read that?!  You're letting them date?!; You're not letting them date?!  It's maddening.  I've learned to let much of it roll right off, but there have been times that I really just wanted to punch somebody.

But, I think the most frustrating part of getting to the age where I, and my peers, have grown and semi-grown children, is the comparison game we begin to play at this stage of  "how they turned out".  I get caught up in this myself - have caught myself playing, with the best of intentions, this misguided game.  If they make all the right decisions, do exactly what we wanted them to do when we were writing their futures at six and seven years old, then we've been great parents.  If they make some poor decisions (or even decisions that we just don't particularly prefer), some down-right stupid choices, or God forbid, walk away from our faith for a season, then we were awful parents.  This is maddening.

At this point in time, I'm not freaked about most of my kids choices.  I'm sure some people are freaked about some of them, because they measure differently than I do, but I'm not.  So obviously, we're great parents, right?

I have friends who are struggling, really struggling right now.  They have kids making some poor decisions, down-right stupid choices.  So obviously they're bad parents, right?

Wrong.

I've walked right next to some of these people as they've raised their children.  I know their hearts.  I know what they've poured in.  Some, I haven't.  Some I've only known a short time.  But I know they love their kids more than life itself.  I know their hearts are broken.  I know they love and follow Jesus.  I know they did and are doing the best job they know to do.

We all make mistakes, so if our kids turn out reasonably well adjusted, praise God that He was bigger than our stupid mistakes.  And if they make some stupid choices along the way, praise God that He is big enough to redeem it - just as He did for us and our stupid choices along the way.

This in no way excuses us from doing our best as parents - from pursuing God with all our hearts and teaching our children to do the same.  But it should release us from the never-ending, craze-inducing burden of feeling like we are in control of everything - that all the answers and good outcomes are up to us.

My kids were born in the image and likeness of our great God, just as I was.  They were born with a wretched, sinful nature, just like I was.  They have a God-given free will, just as I do.  They will make some great choices - they will make some really bad choices, just as I did, and still do.

God is big enough to handle this.

I'd love for us to stop judging one another's performance as parents, and love one another.  Rejoice with each other when great things are happening.  Surround with love and support when not-so-great things are happening (instead of judgment, and secret, "well, I knew that was coming" discussions around our dinner tables).  Let's stop judging every decision others make along the way.  It may not be the decision we would make, but we're not walking in their shoes, so we don't really know what we'd do in their situation.

Judge a little less.  Love a little more.  Lighten up.

An Alternate Universe?

Life has been crazy, crazy busy.  When that happens, this blog is one of the things that gets tossed out the window.

The interesting thing right now?  I think I've slipped into an alternate universe.  In this new, alternate reality, I am old.  It's freaky.  We had Jeff and Erin's first wedding shower this last weekend - they also got the keys to their "married people" house on that same day.  So, we went from the shower, to moving things into the house they will begin living in  -  n.e.x.t.  m.o.n.t.h.!  Erin is forcing me to count the days until the wedding now.  I refused for the longest time because it just freaked me out, but it's too close now to ignore it.  I must face facts and get the details taken care of. :)

I am SO excited for them.  We could not be more pleased.  We love Jeff, can't wait to have him as the newest son in this family.  But, honestly, it is so weird.  We went over for an hour or so Tuesday night and helped them begin to unpack and put away the things they will not be using until after the wedding.  Watching my daughter - my baby girl - moving around HER kitchen, deciding where to put things, how they'll best be used.  It's just so surreal.

When did this happen?  How did this happen?  I can so clearly remember her singing her ABCs for all of Dairy Queen at 2 years old; dancing at her first dance recital at four; sleeping in her Beauty and the Beast tent for months because she was, after all, a princess; going to the Daddy/Daughter dance at ten;  crying her heart out at eleven when we moved her from Edmond to Pauls Valley (because we had, in effect, completely ruined her life); meeting this nice young man at thirteen...

God's ways our so much higher than ours.  We had no idea that the move that was certainly going to ruin her life would actually bring her Prince Charming.  She certainly had no idea.

We had so many thoughts, dreams, plans, of how life would work out in raising our children.  Many, many of them did not go as we planned them.  God often has different plans - even when we think we've got the perfect one planned out and prayed over.  Some of the unexpected changes have been painful, some of them have been joyous.

But His ways, His plans, have been so much better.


This alternate reality is a good one.  I'm looking forward to seeing what other plans God is planning to turn upside down for us.



Now back to the craziness...44 days...

Let's Have A Party!

I've read the story of the prodigal son my entire life, (forgotten? here it is) but it is very easy to focus on either the rebellion of the younger brother, or the compassion of the father toward him.  Rarely do I stop and consider the older brother.

The younger brother has run away from home, squandered his inheritance on wine, women and song, and has come home.  He is received with wild abandon by his father and the whole house is in full party mode when the older brother comes drudging back in from the fields.  He hears the noise of the party and asks someone what is going on.  When he finds out what's happened...

I'm struck with his response.  "All these years I've slaved for you and never once refused to do a single thing you told me to.  And in all that time you never gave me even one young goat for a feast with my friends."

Wow.  

I work, I slave, I never have any fun, and what do I get for it?  Nuthin'.  He sins, he lives in debauchery, he rebels, he makes one right choice - one - to come back home - and we're having a party!

The father's response?  Basically -  Why didn't you have a party?  It's all yours!  Party!  Invite your friends over!

  

As I read it, it made me wonder how often I am unhappy because I have this older brother’s perspective on being a part of God’s Kingdom.  I often find myself with the attitude that I am “slaving away” while the evil world gets to do anything they want with no apparent consequences.  Instead of remembering, considering, that I am a blessed, accepted child of the King!  All that is His, is mine.

I've seen it so often in my kids as they were growing up – they just couldn't see the blessing that being in a family is – even the blessing of working together toward a common goal – they could only focus on the work and perceive it as some sort of punishment.  I  bring on much of my discontent and unhappiness myself – not because of some overt sin, or because my life is truly  some horrible set of circumstances, but because I've taken my eyes off of where I am (in the center of God's Kingdom) – off of whose I am – and I’m looking at the particular task before me as some slave labor job. 

I've forgotten that I CAN have a party!  I CAN invite all my friends over and celebrate!  I SHOULD!  He expects it - He rejoices in it. 

I forget to rejoice.

Have you forgotten to occasionally stop and have a party?