Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. Philippians 3:13-14
Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Hebrews 12:1-2
The last few years have been filled with a crazy mix of best-ever events and worst-ever pain. I have a feeling if we took one of those tests that measures your stress level based on major life events, we'd be off the charts. In no particular chronological order or order of significance: Clinical depression in our family; resigning from the Church we had attended, and Brian had pastored, for 14+ years; new jobs; menopause (and that ain't playin' - it's craze-inducing!); move to a new city; kids graduated; kids married; new baby (grand) born; fostering (and all the joy and pain that brings - also much more significant and personal than I can address here); major trips; profound disillusionment with things and people long held in high respect; a long spiritual journey/evolution that's led to radically new (yet ancient) ways of expressing our faith; illness; extended family grief. Deep sorrow, ecstatic joy. It's been a ride, and I can see enough of the future to know for certain that this ride ain't over yet.
And I'm afraid that, at times in this journey, I have not fared well. I've gone through seasons of deep cynicism. I've raged. I've mourned. I've been tempted to give up, throw in the towel, wave the white flag, whatever. God has been near through all of it. I have not wavered in my confidence of His presence, but I've definitely gone through seasons when I wondered why He didn't intervene, why I couldn't hear Him, why His Church looked so radically different from what I thought it should... but I have not doubted Him. I have, however, doubted almost everything and everyone else. I have gone through seasons of trying to control circumstances and people, of not protecting my heart or keeping safe boundaries, of shutting people out, of giving up on Church.
I'm ready to turn the page.
I've spent the last few days reflecting on what God has shown me this past year and where I need to allow Him to take me this next year. In recent years, instead of writing New Year's Resolutions, I've chosen one word that kind of encompasses where I feel like God is taking me. The first time, it was Extravagant - and God is still growing me in that area, teaching me to love Extravagantly. Another year, it was Joy - and God is still teaching me to find joy, whether I am in times of great rejoicing, or in deep mourning -- in both, I can still have Joy. As I began to reflect this year, the word that kept rising to the top was Persevere.
As I said, I'm ready to turn the page. I have no idea what tomorrow holds. I can see enough dimly to know we're not finished with the sorrow. I can see enough dimly to know that I will still be tempted to be cynical, to not trust, to battle with disillusionment and anger. But I don't want to tread water, always feeling like I'm one breath away from drowning in all of that anymore. I want to swim. I want to run.
There are a few things I do know. I know that God is good. I know that my core beliefs have not changed. I know that God has called us live justly, to love mercy, to walk humbly with our God. I know that I'm to love. I know that I'm to exhibit the fruits of the Spirit, with all people. I know that I'm to live in a way that brings God's Kingdom to bear here, and now.
All of those things take perseverance in the face of the world we live in today... So, I want to persevere. I want to learn to take the next step into the shadows, into the unknown. There is still much that I do not know. But, I can do what I KNOW, even while surrounded by the unknown. I do not have to allow the unknown to take me down.
This year, I want to allow to God to begin to rebuild perseverance in me. Practically, that will look like beginning to carve out more time for reading, study, meditation and prayer - more time to be quiet and hear what He wants to say. More time to worship. It will look like getting back to the physical, mental and emotional practices that keep me healthy. It will look like finding where God would have me living into the margins and taking His light into the Dark - to stop being afraid of reaching out again...to stop nursing my wounds and start living healed and whole.
There is much Joy to be found. There is much to rejoice in. There is so much good to do. I want to be about it.
Persevere.
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Do you have a 2018 One Word? What is it?
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I remain confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the Lord
in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord.
Psalm 27: 13-14
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