The last year has been one of the best and most painful seasons of my life. Much good was happening, but I was slowly losing my ability to rejoice in the good. Through a series of mostly unrelated events over the last several years, I had allowed myself to become jaded. Cynical. Angry. Critical. It wasn't pretty inside my head. Anger and cynicism are easily directed outward, allowing us to ignore what is happening inside our hearts. I think that's why often, when we see the angriest of people, we can almost certainly know that there is something else much deeper than anger going on inside their hearts. I heard someone say once that often anger is really grief in disguise. I believe that. And I was definitely grieving... But I was not dealing with it. Bless Brian - he has loved me so well through all of this. He clearly meant it when he said "for better or for worse". He has walked with me through my darkness and has let me vent and rage and cry and eat lots of potato chips and chocolate. He has listened with patience when I was totally irrational. He allowed me long stretches of quiet, almost reclusive times. He has kept encouraging me to balance - to keep running (physically, not emotionally), to talk it out, to hang with my girlfriends, to keep sitting in community. He is truly my better half. Again I say, bless him.
Church, even though we were not attached to any specific place for much of the time, did help. The comfort of scriptures read together, the common prayers, coming to the Table each week - the quiet, simple, peaceful routine of it, began to do it's work in my heart. We found a place to call home and I slowly began the process of building new relationships in a new place. God began to use that to chip away at the wall I had spent years carefully constructing. This last Advent began to create some cracks in that wall - and then Lent blew it apart. For this I am thankful. The Anglican/Episcopal tradition leaves huge spaces for sorrow, for lament, that I somehow missed in the traditions I had been in up until this point. Perhaps they are out there, but I missed it and I needed that space. God began to give me the desire to look inward - to find the root of my discontent, my anger, my grief, and dig it out. So, in little baby steps, I began to dig around in there.
In the midst of this digging around the last several months, I've found myself wanting to write again. I had virtually given it up entirely, even personal, private journaling (which I have done for many years). I felt void of any thoughts that felt edifying enough to share. (This should have been a red flag that my heart and head were in trouble, but it was not.) I am still struggling to get words from head to fingertips to keyboard. I'm certain I will write and rewrite a thousand times, but I'm determined to try to find words again. I'm starting. I don't know how it will look, or how often it will be, but here's a start. God has taught me much about myself over the last several months, and I'm feeling strong enough, brave enough, ...just enough, to begin sharing parts of it, so maybe today, with these words, is as good a place as any to start.
In today's installment of what I've learned in this soul-excavation project:
For this last season of Lent, I gave up Facebook. This was not some super-spiritual decision. It was not a sacred or holy choice. I was angry. The newsfeed readily helped me feel justified in my anger. I was anxious - it was happy to feed this too. I chose to give it up because I snapped. Within the space of a couple of days, I found myself so angry over things said by people I rather enjoyed in real life that I just simply snapped. So I took it off my phone. I continued on Instagram (because this continues to be a happy space for me) and shared those pictures to Facebook. I still responded to private messages and I checked notifications once a week from my computer, but that was it. I spent zero time on the newsfeed. What I found during that 40+ days, was that Facebook was giving me a place to hide.
Can't sleep? Facebook.
Bored? Facebook.
Waiting in a line or a doctor's office? Facebook.
Need a break? Facebook.
Need a break? Facebook.
It kept my mind busy, occupied, distracted. Unfortunately, it was often feeding anger, anxiety and cynicism...making it easier to justify my feelings rather than looking inward to find their source.
During this time, I slowly began to replace that distracted time with other things:
Can't sleep? Pray. Meditate.
Bored? Read a book.
Waiting in line? Engage the people around me. Make eye contact.
Need a break? Read that same book. Call a friend and invite them to lunch.
Something funny/sweet/sad/puzzling happen? Again, call or text a friend and share it with one actual, in-my-life person, rather than my Facebook virtual world.
After finding better ways to fill that down time, I made a few other intentional decisions:
- I started in Genesis and I'm reading deliberately through the Bible again, this time, letting God answer some questions for me that I've been asking for a long time.
- I read a lot of books, both fiction and non-fiction.
- I take lots of long walks and short runs.
- I listen to podcasts.
- I continue to find peace and healing in the liturgy and sacraments.
- I am learning to embrace silence again, to allow my mind to wander, to feel my grief, to feel my joy. To feel.
I learned that I need to connect in real, substantive ways a lot more often than I had been. I'm not saying that sharing those things on Facebook is bad - some of it is good, edifying, connecting. Some of you use it in fabulous ways - it's another tool in your tool belt of healthy living. Though I began that way, that wasn't me anymore. Often, for me, and I know for others, it's a way to hide from real relationship. It filled in times and spaces that I needed to be using to deal with my crap.
I can present only what I want you to see on Facebook. Sitting across from you at lunch? It's going to be harder. Walking through hard things, in real life, with you? Dang near impossible. I value many of my online relationships and I'm thankful for connections I would not be able to have otherwise. But now, real-life, in-my-face, you-can't-hide-from-me, relationships are much more valuable - they are where I want to invest the best parts of my time and my energy. If something beautiful presents itself in my day, I'm much more likely to take a picture of it and send it to a particular person that I know well (or someone that I am building a new relationship with) and think they would appreciate it....connection. If I read an article or a quote that speaks deeply to me, I'll share it via text with a specific person that I believe would value its merit along with me...connection. - but for the most part, I'm choosing to make what difference I can in the circle of people right around me - my family, my friends, at my office, in my neighborhood, in my church, in my community, with my vote, with my money. I'm trying to learn to use my voice in personal, close proximity ways.
I'm dabbling a bit on Facebook again, but not much. I may choose occasionally to share on Facebook - I will likely still make some of you frustrated with my opinions and the articles I share because I will continue to refuse to be silent on some issues. It's probably still a good idea to tag me if you need me to see something.
What I'd really love most is for you to call/text/message me and let's have lunch if you live close enough.
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