Here's My Life

"We loved you so much that we were delighted to share with you not only the gospel of God but our lives as well,"  - I Thess. 2:8

I've been thinking about this verse for several days now.  What does it mean to minister?  to serve?  to be about building the Kingdom of God in this world?

I think this is what it means - if I'm not looking for ways to share my life with those that I minister to, investing myself into others, then it's probably busy work.  Most of it will be ashes on the floor when I stand before God one day (I Cor. 3:10-15).

And there's the kicker.  It's hard to invest my life.  It's much easier to invest my money; even my time and my energy - but to invest my life?  Then I can get hurt, I can be rejected.  It gets messy.  People are messy.  I am messy.

But - I think that's what it means.

So, I'm looking at what I spend my money, time, energy on - to see if I'm investing me - or investing right up to that point that I have to become vulnerable, and then stopping.

I'd love to hear your thoughts.

Bucket Lists

Can I just say it?  It's hot.

I'm sure no one else has noticed this, and I'm probably bursting the "cool" bubble you've all been living in - but it's really freakin' hot.

My favorite forms of exercise and staying-in-shape activities are all outside activities.  And it's hot.  I keep starting earlier and earlier trying to beat it, but it's nearly impossible now.  It. Is. Hot.

Okay... that's all out of my system - at least until the next time I go outside - so I'll move on...

I've been debating between a couple of goals to reach by the end of this year.  One was to do the 100 mile ride at Hotter 'n Hell at the end of August.  Last year I did the 100K and it was a great time.  A good friend of mine that did it with me was wanting to do the 100 mile this year and just about had me talked into joining her.  But now she has decided to put that off for another year and I've lost all momentum on that goal.  It doesn't take much to lose momentum right now (have I mentioned that it's hot? - sorry, I digress...).  So, on this one, I'm back to doing the 100K again.  I made it to 51 today!

Second goal, and I'm still strongly leaning toward this one, is to attempt a half marathon in either September or October.  I've been running for three or for years.  Started out more as "wogging", and while I'm still slow compared to most, I'm happy enough with my time and it has increased to what I would loosely define as running now.  I love it because it gives me time to pray, to process and think through the day, and relieves major amounts of stress.  I'm certain I'm a better person for it.

The furthest I've ran (run - which is it?) is 7 miles... so I have to nearly double that to accomplish this goal.  We'll see.  I'm gradually working up to running more each time so that my overall miles for the week is greater, and at least once a week adding a little more to my longest distance.  But I'm not a young chick anymore, and don't really have time for major injuries, so I'm taking it slow, seeing how my body responds to increased distance.  I find this goal really exciting.  I would love to check this one off my bucket list.  I have figured out that I'm going to have to invest in a hydration belt, because, as I've mentioned - it's hot.  I just can't go very far without water, and no one seems to be willing to set up water stations for me every mile or so - what's up with that?

Something to work towards gives me a reason to get out of bed in the mornings... and the fact that it's gonna be about a billion degrees by 10:30 gets me up and out early, so that's a good thing.

What's on your bucket list that you could check off this year?

Eight Days In

So I’m eight days into my Fast for Freedom.  If you don’t know what I’m talking about, you can look here: Fast For Freedom .

Anyway – eight days in.  I go through this during Lent as well, but it just amazes me how much I turn to material things to satisfy non-material needs.  I’m amazed by how often I do it, I’m amazed by the reasons I do it.  I’m amazed.  And not in a good way.

I gave up eating out and Coke, or any substitute I might be tempted to stop and get in lieu of a Coke.

The reasons I come up with to spend money on one of these things?

-         I’m sleepy.

-         I’m bored.

-         I’m lazy.

-         I’m anxious.

-         I’m happy!

-         I’m sad.

-         I’m frustrated.

-         I’m hot.

-         I’m impatient.

Here’s what it boils down to – I’m ridiculous… and I’m spoiled… and I desperately need to learn to say “no” to myself more often. 

I love the things God is showing me already.  It has afforded me so many opportunities to remember to pray for those I’m trying to help with the money I’m saving this month.  It has given me opportunities to share with and remind others of what the A21 campaign is doing when they see my wrist band, or ask why I’m not eating out, etc.  It is showing me how often I turn to temporal things to satisfy what only God is meant to satisfy. 

So, I'm excited to see what else God is going to show me this month - it's not too late to join me!

What’s your crutch when you’re having a bad day?

When it sucks, it really, really sucks.

So - in the name of doing what takes courage and telling you guys that one of my courageous things would be learning to be more honest about who I am... here goes:

There are times that I could really go all JamietheVeryWorstMissionary on you… (I wonder if she ever thought that would become a verb - no, wait, an adverb - someone help me out on that one).  Being a pastor’s wife really sucks sometimes – I will have to say that it doesn’t suck as much as being the pastor, but it’s a close second.

I really didn’t sign up for this.   We’d been married a long time and had three kids when he sprang this pastor gig on me.  I’m prone to melancholy, bossy, sarcastic, intimidating (I’m told), I don’t play the piano and I don’t like wearing dresses; I'm not a good hostess and my house is always messy – these are not good traits for the gentle, loving pastors’ wives you feel like you’re supposed to emulate.  God has gifted me with the ability to see beyond the surface of people much of the time, but not so much the ability to speak with grace and love in the moment.  I bow up like a mama bear when my husband or my children are unfairly attacked – and I can tell you, when you live in the glass bowl of "vocational" ministry, that is not an infrequent occurrence.  

Ministry means dealing with people – and I’m really not a people person.  I love them, I really, really, really do – but I’m very introverted, draw my energy from time alone, get overwhelmed in groups. 

Ministry means dealing with people – and dealing with people means you’re going to get hurt.  It means you’re going to hurt other people.  It’s just hard sometimes, ya’ know?  Forgiveness and grace are beautiful foundations of our faith, but sometimes very hard to apply in the hard moments of offense and pain. 

We pray and pray for God to provide in some area of ministry – we wait, we wonder if  He’s hearing, we wonder if His people are listening, then someone hears and obeys, He answers and it’s beautiful!  Then in less time than you can blink an eye, someone (and sometimes that someone is me) is mad about it – doesn’t like the way it’s being done, or is hurt, or offended.  We’ve seen it over and over again in the last ten years. 

We build relationships – we invest – we love -- and they leave – sometimes because life happens and they must move on, sometimes out of pain, sometimes we never know because they don’t tell us, they just leave…  Not all of them leave, but when it happens, every one of them hurts like it’s the first time again.  I just don’t get it.  I don’t get people.  I don’t get God.  I trust Him, but I don’t get Him. 

It’s at times like that, that I have to stop and review my list:

-         I’m redeemed from the miry pit of my selfish, sinful self.

-         I have a beautiful family.

-         I have a beautiful spiritual family.

-         The best friendships I’ve experienced have been carved out of the pain of living the hard parts of life together.

-         God is bigger than the pain.

-     God is bigger than the plan.

-         God is not surprised.

-         Even though I don’t get Him, He gets me.  He knows I’m but dust, and He’s with me – beside me when I can’t see the answer.

-         That I will speak again, with Peter, “To whom else would I go?  You alone have eternal life.”

 So, all that to say, this…  When it sucks, it really, really sucks.  But even when it sucks, God is still good, life is still beautiful, people are still worth loving.  I will continue to fight against the urge to give in to the melancholy, to fold back into myself and give up -- I just have to process, vent, pray, cry, laugh, and move on, trusting that God is in this thing.  

You could pray for me - that would be great.

One of THOSE weeks.

Ever have one of those weeks where nothing goes like you planned it?  That would be this week.

Way back in the winter time, we scheduled and reserved a camping spot in Colorado - Cottonwood Cove - where my parents have spent most every summer for the last several years.  We were so excited.  There is nothing like Colorado in the summertime - especially when you're escaping oppressive Oklahoma heat to be there.

(This is us - there - two years ago.)

Then gas prices shot up to the point that it was completely unreasonable to pull the camper that far for such a short stay.  Bleh.

So we punted - decided we'd camp around here somewhere for the one of the weekends.  But then record setting heat of 100+ degree temperatures sucked all the fun out of that idea.

We also decided we'd let Dylan book a couple of shows (singing gigs) since we couldn't be gone the whole week anyway...  He got two.

We tried to take him to one of them - in Tulsa - it cancelled.

The other show he had, they decided to throw us a curve ball and scheduled him (acoustic, indy sound) with a whole line up of head-banging, very loud, heavy metal bands.  He did great, he was a great sport about it, but WAY big drag for the old parents that took him.

We've had a couple of relationship/misunderstanding-yucky things (not between us, we're good :)) thrown in just for good measure.  So we don't get lazy, I guess.

So here we sit at the end of this week -- the week that was supposed to be our last big family vacation before our daughter gets married -- all kids are scattered and gone to various places, it's a zillion degrees and windy outside, the relationship stuff is still ongoing, and we have done nothing fun or relaxing.

Bleh.  Again.

But, in the midst of this irritating week, I still know that these aren't real problems.  These are inconveniences, irritations, bumps - normal along life's journey.

Perspective helps me find this place.  God is good.  We are blessed.  He has provided for us abundantly and beautifully to the point that we can even bless others at times.  (He's also brought us through times that we were the ones that needed to receive, and He was good then as well.)

So a wrecked vacation is something we can live with, right?

And the irritations that come with a son pursuing his dream?  We can live with it.  It's so worth it to see him living this adventure.

And living in community means we will have bumps and bruises at times - just like we do in families - but we keep going, -- because it's worth it.


God is good.  All the time.  And all the time - God is good.


How has He been good to you lately?

July – Fast for Freedom

I have so much – and I use it to impact so little.  I live in such abundance; I’m not even fully aware of what I have, and how much I waste.  I think it’s mine, and not God’s – to use for His good, and His glory.  I know God wants us to enjoy our life; that He smiles when we revel in His blessing, but I also know that it breaks His heart when I don’t use much of that abundance to bless others.

So,

-         because 27 million people are in slavery around our world today,

-         because this is wrong, sinful, evil

-         because God calls us to do justice, to love mercy, to walk humbly with Him

-         because we are blessed with abundance beyond explanation

-         because we have a responsibility to use that abundance to make a difference

-         because throughout scripture and all of history, God used man to bring justice for the powerless, hope for the hopeless, love in the darkness

-         because the problem is overwhelmingly BIG

-         because our God is BIGGER

Because of all these things, here's what I'm committing to do:

For the month of July, I’m choosing some of my excess, and I’m fasting from that.  I’m setting the money back that I would have spent on that excess, and giving it to the A21 Campaign in their fight for justice and freedom.  If you don’t know what they do, look here:  (www.a21campaign.org).  I said earlier (here), that I didn't know what helping this cause would look like for a primarily stay-at-home mom in middle America, but this is a start for me.  It looks like this - I won't forget, I will pray, I will make others aware, I will change my life in ways that can make a difference for others...

Why am I telling you this now?  Because I’d like you to pray with me – about doing this, about what you can give up, for these people living in slavery, for those that run into the darkness to shine Jesus’ light and rescue these girls.  I realize some of you are already giving heart and soul for something God has called you to, and that's great.  But for some of you, this is that thing.  For some of you, there has never been anything, and this could be the first.

What are our excesses?

-         Do you stop every morning for coffee on the way to work?  Make it at home this month.

-         Do you pick up a soda on your break every day?  Skip it this month; it’s bad for us anyway. J

-         Do you eat out everyday at work, or school?  Take your lunch this month – or at least take your lunch a couple of times a week.

-         Do you smoke?  Now would be a great time to give that up!  (But not just for the month) J

-         Do you regularly get mani/pedis?  DIY this month and give the difference.

-         Are you a clothes horse/shop-a-holic?  Go with nothing new this month – give it away.

-         Do you eat a bowl of ice cream and oreos every night?  Give it up this month and give the grocery money saved.

-         Do you go see a movie every week?  Skip ‘em this month.  Rent a couple – its way cheaper.

-         Do you go on dates every week?  (Great idea, btw).  This month, make them cheap – picnics, bike rides, long walks, etc.  Give what you would have spent.

-         Do you tan?  Skip it this month.  Get outside and enjoy the sunshine!

I have a strong feeling that at the end of my life, I won’t care that I gave up Diet Cokes and eating out too much and in exchange, I helped a little girl find new life after slavery, or helped educate young girls on how to recognize the lies of a trafficker before she’s entrapped, or helped a father be re-united to his daughter, or helped put a brothel owner behind bars. 

Will you join me?

$3.00 worth of God

I would like to buy $3 worth of God, please.

Not enough to explode my soul or disturb my sleep,

but just enough to equal a cup of warm milk

or a snooze in the sunshine.

I don’t want enough of God to make me love a black man

or pick beets with a migrant.

I want ecstasy, not transformation.

I want warmth of the womb, not a new birth.

I want a pound of the Eternal in a paper sack.

I would like to buy $3 worth of God, please.

— Wilbur Rees

How much of God do I want?  I think scripture is very clear that He desires all or nothing.  He is very patient, I believe, with our journey… but when we do come to that moment of decision, “$3.00 worth” is not an option.

When I really stop and think about it… really, really, think about it – what is here that is worth holding back from the God of the universe?  What could I possibly be holding on to that I can’t trust Him with?  There are times when I hold onto lots of different things:

My husband – By trying to manipulate him into being what I want him to be; By being crippled by the fear that I might lose him, or fail him.

My kids – By trying to force their lives to turn out the way I’ve planned; By trying to protect them from every conceivable pain that could befall them.

My friends – By trusting them to be what only God can be (and being surprised when they fail at that!); By failing to both speak and hear the truth that will make our relationships healthier.

My time – I do not want to be inconvenienced, I do not want my plans interrupted or changed, I want to enjoy myself and be comfortable.

My things – This is the saddest one to me – that I would even consider my things as something to hold tightly.  They’re THINGS!  But I do… I can be selfish, stingy.

But if I really stop to think… what good does it do me to hold on to them?  Are they safer in my tight, life-sucking grip, or in His life-giving hands? 

I want to love Him to the degree that it hurts.

I want to love Him in a way that changes me – really changes me.

I want to love others when that love will not be returned.

I want to go where it frightens me to go.

I want to face the questions that I don't know the answers to.

I want to give myself when I will get nothing back.  

I want to trust when I cannot see the end. 

I want to let go when I want more than anything to hold on. 

I want WAY more than $3.00 worth of God.