That One Prayer

You know that prayer? The hard one, the one you're afraid to voice and, when you do, it comes out weak and kinda squeaky because it seems like it's too much, too hard? It would require too many people to care about the outcome, who don't care at. all. about the outcome, for that thing to happen? The one you voice with, "Lord, I do believe - help my unbelief"? The one voiced in the midst of what feels like a long, long, dry, desert season of wondering if God is still listening, if He's watching, if He cares about this particular problem? 

That one.

Keep praying. Keep voicing, even when it's weak and squeaky, even when you're not sure you still believe, even when there's a long list of prayers He hasn't answered yet.

Because He does care. I don't understand why sometimes He does not answer, why sometimes He does not heal, why sometimes He does not intervene, or He does not move unwilling hearts. He CAN. But He does not. It is maddening.

This is one of the hardest questions to answer. Job asked it several millennia ago - and we're still asking. Still getting a lot of questions in "response" - and the answer?

What I've come to believe (and you don't have to agree with me - I'm okay with that) is that most of the time, He is going to let things unfold as they will. He gave us free will. We like that plan, personally, (when we get to do whatever we want), but do not like the pain it creates for this world, and us individually, when everyone gets it... But, unfortunately, you don't get one without the other, we don't get to escape the tragedy of our world-wide, corporate free will failures.

So... We get our self-made messes, natural disasters, illness, the prodigal child, the failed marriage, fractured relationships, the unjust and the unfair. Often times, it just is. I've quoted him before and likely will again, but in the words of famed theologian the Dread Pirate Roberts, "Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something."

But. And it's a big but...

Here is the answer -- He is with us. In and throughout all of it. 

Sometimes we are to BE the answer for the unjust and the unfair. The hands and feet of Jesus and all that...The child abused, the hungry families, the war torn refugee, the marginalized, the prisoner, the homeless forgotten, the desperately lonely - WE are supposed to be their answer. So, if we're praying for those people, but not taking action to be part of the answer, it ain't God's fault that it's not better.

But He is there. He hurts with us. He sits with us in the messes of our own making and gives us the strength to learn and do better. He holds us through debilitating illness and death. He is with that prodigal child when we cannot be. He holds our wounded hearts when people cannot be trusted... But He often does not intervene in the ways we hope and pray.

A few things...

~ Even when I'm too weak to keep believing, He is still there and He is still good.

~ He sees what I cannot. The unanswered prayers should still be prayed. He is trustworthy, even in His silence.

~ Praying the unanswered prayer is changing me. So I keep praying.


So...You know that prayer? The hard one, the one you're afraid to voice and, when you do, it comes out weak and kinda squeaky because it seems like it's too much, too hard? It would require too many people to care about the outcome, who don't care at. all. about the outcome, for that thing to happen? The one you voice with, "Lord, I do believe - help my unbelief"? The one voiced in the midst of what feels like a long, long, dry, desert season of wondering if God is still listening, if He's watching, if He cares about this particular problem?  

Sometimes He does answer - in big, astounding, blow-your-socks-off, only-God-could-do-that, mind-blowing ways - just to remind us that He's still here, still with us, still loving.  And this time? For us? He did.

He's such a show-off sometimes.

Be strong and of good courage.

He is with us.

I Do Choose

For quite some time now, I've been reading off and on from the Book of Common Prayer. More recently, it's been more on than off. I have found it helpful during those "spiritual desert" seasons. It has helped to guide me into prayer when I cannot even find words. It has helped me voice thanksgiving and praise, when I'm angry at God and then moves me out of that anger. It has given voice to prayers for others, when I would rather just not like them, moving me back to love of my neighbor. I have found peace in the words of prayers voiced in concert with thousands of others over hundreds and hundreds of years. I know some of you do not find peace in this, and that's okay. God speaks to us in different ways in different seasons. This is where I am.

If you are unfamiliar with the readings, each day has a reading from: the Old Testament, Psalms, the New Testament and the Gospels. A portion of today's gospel:

"Once, when he was in one of the cities, there was a man covered with leprosy. When he saw Jesus, he bowed with his face to the ground and begged him, 'Lord, if you choose, you can make me clean.' Then Jesus stretched out his hand, touched him, and said, 'I do choose. Be made clean.' Immediately the leprosy left him." ~ Luke 5:12-26 (italics are mine)

Our world is increasingly frightening. I am often overwhelmed. There are opportunities every single day that feel like I will be putting myself, and perhaps those around me, at great risk if I step into those opportunities. Some of those have hurt. Some of those have felt like failure - crushing failure. Jesus did not call me to be safe. He did not call me to live risk-free. He did not call me to live in protection-mode. He did not call me to be a success. He called me to reach out - to touch- the hurting, the people that have been deemed too far gone, or unsafe, or beyond help. This is scary. I'm certain I will be hurt, feel failure, in some of these opportunities. 

Jesus had a choice. He leaves us with a choice everyday. 

What will I choose? Will I choose to reach out to the broken, the hurting, the abandoned?

I pray I will choose as He did - as He does.

It is easier to circle the wagons and keep ourselves "safe", but this is not the way of our Jesus.

And this is scary. So, today I pray for courage.