Our Father

Our Father in heaven,

hallowed be your Name,

your kingdom come,

your will be done,

on earth as in heaven.

Give us today our daily bread.

Forgive us our sins

as we forgive those

who sin against us.

Save us from the time of trial,

and deliver us from evil.

For the kingdom, the power,

and the glory are yours,

now and for ever. Amen.

I used to believe that God was not very present in the traditions that recited this prayer every day, every service. I used to believe that repeating these words often caused them to become rote, meaningless, devoid of power. I used to believe there were loftier, more powerful words to pray to move the heart of God.

Life has a way of humbling you. I'm not that person anymore.

In the last several years, I have said this prayer literally hundreds of times. And each time, God opens it up more fully to me. There are times that this prayer literally brings me to tears. My words do not have to be many, or lofty, or creative. They can be, and sometimes they are, but here, Jesus gives us all we need when we have no words of our own. 

This is me today. No words of my own.

"Your kingdom come, Your will be done, on Earth as it is in heaven." May it be so. And may we be people that live it.

Stewarding the Earth

Over the last several years, I've been moving through a gradual process of looking at how I use and consume things. Many of you have watched me go through multiple purges in our home as I try to determine what we need and what we're hoarding, for no other reason than a general lack of thoughtfulness. The first couple of times I did this, it was because of life changes (kids moving out, ending our homeschooling season, etc) and a lot of stuff was simply no longer needed. But as I did, I began to notice how much STUFF we had. Things we hadn't needed for a long time, yet still had; things that were outdated or broken, yet here they still were; and honestly, so much that we never should have wasted our time or money on. Out. It. Went. To friends that needed it, to second hand stores, to the dump.

The trips to the landfill were eye-opening. What became abundantly apparent, guys, is that we're outta control. It's so easy to throw our crap into our individual family trash bins and drag it to the curb once a week and never think about it again. But when you back your truck up at the landfill and see our collective crap all at once? And multiply that hundreds and thousands of times around our country every week?  (Because honestly, we're the worst - I won't bore you, but look up the stats.)  It's terrifying.

Here's a confession: I've always been an adamant "don't litter" person, but I vividly remember thinking as a teenager and young adult that it didn't matter that much what we threw into landfills or how much of our natural resources we consumed because Jesus would come back and make all things new before it could really get out of hand anyway. Bless. my. heart. 

Thankfully,  my mindset slowly began to shift. I began to look at all of our purchases in a much different light. Do I need this? How many times would I use it? (i.e., could I borrow, share the purchase or rent instead?) Was this humanely made? (Were people abused so I could get it super cheap?) Do I really need a new outfit or could I mix and match what I have? Would a second-hand purchase take care of this need just as well? You get it. 

After this became more or less a habit, I began to look at how much consumable stuff we were throwing away every day/week/month and how we could cut that down. I started recycling regularly. (This got much easier when Pauls Valley established a recycling center and then when we moved to a community that picked up recycling from our curb). In the midst of this stage, I read an article about how most of our country's recycling was being shipped to China on huge barges/ships, where it was processed for reuse. And guys? They don't want our recycling anymore because it's so disgusting! Apparently, too many of us don't wash out our cans or bottles, we throw in dirty unusable cardboard, etc. and they're tired of messing with us. So now America must deal with what we're going do with all of it. This started me thinking about what I even put in recycling that, with some thought, could be cut down/out. 

This has been a slower process, because honestly, it's a little more expensive to get started moving toward sustainable buying/living. I'm still actively living in this stage, still consider myself to be a little tiny baby here, and this is more the point of my post. 

I wanted to share a few of the things I've found and I would really love to hear from y'all - what you've found to be ways to cut down on how much you're throwing away, to live a little healthier, to "need" a little less, to take care of the gift of this Earth and each other - to hopefully leave it better for our grandbabies and their babies.

So. Here are a few things I've started or tried to become more consistent with: 

I'm focusing right now on cutting down on non-reusable plastics.

• I use reusable water bottles and thermos cups.
• I use reusable shopping bags (and I'm working on getting better at putting them back in the car after I use them so they'll be there the next time! (*all the eye rolls here*).
• I bought lightweight, mesh bags to use anywhere, but specifically instead of the plastic bags in the produce department.
   
• I use soap and shampoo that come in bar form, wrapped in paper (no plastic at all is used). They're awesome. I'm not giving up anything to use them. You can find them anywhere on the internet, but I buy them locally made (hit me up if you're interested).
• I buy a body scrub and body lotion from the same source that comes in reusable glass jars. Also awesome.
• I'm gradually transitioning in the kitchen, using glass instead of plastic for my left overs/taking lunches to work. I'm working toward cutting out plastic wrap and ziploc bags - not quite there yet, though I've cut way down.
• I'm using microfiber cloths instead of paper towels as often as it's practical (I still keep paper towels, but don't use often). I'm also planning to transition to cloth napkins instead of paper, use my own real dishes instead of paper and plastic when we have company.
• We're using bamboo toothbrushes now instead of plastic (I'll admit, I got some looks from Brian on this one, but I won him over). They were a little different feel the first few times, but I'm used to it now and it's no big - and they're cheaper than most of the plastic brushes.

I've just recently gotten wool dryer balls to use instead of fabric softener (plastic again) or dryer sheets (lots of chemicals). As an aside, I got these through a fun subscription I just started. For a pretty small subscription price ($11/mo.), they're sending me a surprise new whatever each month - something to help either cut down on waste, or live healthier, use less chemicals, etc. It's a surprise each month, but this month was my first time and it was the dryer balls (something that's been sitting in my Amazon cart for quite a while trying to decide if I was ready to spend the money, and the subscription price was cheaper than what I had in my cart - yay!).

I realize that for some of you, this is really easy, baby stuff, but for me, it's taken a new way of thinking about how I move through my days - slowing down enough to think about where I'm being wasteful. I also realize some of you (like my mother), are probably thinking that this is the way much of it was done in prior generations before we got so consumed with convenience. And she's right. Honestly though, it just feels like being a responsible human being to me. Like caring for the Earth God left us to care for. Like caring what we leave for future generations. Like being a grown up. Jumping back to my earlier confession, not trying to transition to practical ways to care for the Earth and each other feels a lot like watching kids say that they don't need to take care of that toy or clothes or car because their parents will get them a new one if they ruin or lose it. It's spoiled brat mentality and I'm pretty sure God is not a fan.

I'd honestly love for this to be an interactive post - I really want to know your ideas - especially ideas that are not expensive and we can quickly transition into our everyday, grown up lives. Sometimes what people try to sell us as sustainable living is super-expensive and just not attainable for us everyday working folks, so I'd love to hear what you're doing that didn't break the bank. I firmly believe that everyone can make simple, everyday changes that can impact our environment in positive ways. What are you doing that seems like a no-brainer, but maybe the rest of us haven't thought about? What are you doing that is having a positive impact for the Earth? For our kids' Earth, as we'll one day leave it for them?

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Side note: There have been a few books/sites/podcasts that have helped me as I've moved through this process, so thought I'd share them as well. 

• Jen Hatmaker's book, "7" -- it kicked my butt, but it got my brain moving in healthier/wiser living patterns.
• The Minimalists - they have a podcast as well as a documentary on Netflix. I don't come anywhere close to living at the minimalist level they do and occasionally their suggestions are just a little bit too far out there for me, but they give lots of good food for thought.
• Becoming Minimalist. They have a Facebook page that offers loads of helpful information.
• Zero Waste Cartel. I follow them on Instagram, but I'm guessing you could find them on other social media platforms. They give some great ideas for moving toward sustainability.

Do you have others you've found to share with us?

Wrestling

I have been reading through the Bible again and will finish up in the next couple of weeks - something I've done numerous times over the last 25 years. Since outgrowing the days of flannel boards and children's Bible stories, I have struggled with the Old Testament. There are large portions that are beautiful and give me immense comfort every time I read them. There are portions that bring to my knees in worship or conviction or awe. Yet I have struggled. I'm unable to reconcile the God that tells Joshua to wipe out whole people groups (including their women, their children, their animals) with the God we see in Jesus. I struggle with the horrific things done to women - and God seems to be silent about it. I struggle with things like the difference in the punishments if the crime was against a man or a woman or a slave. I struggle with the vengeance of God in the prophets, followed quickly by His overwhelming compassion once His wrath has been emptied and then unleashing His wrath on the countries He "used" to inflict his punishment on His people. I cannot reconcile it with turn the other cheek, walk the second mile, love your neighbor, love your enemies, pray for those who persecute you, let he who is without sin cast the first stone of the New Testament. I just can't.

I've had questions for as long as I can remember, but never felt the least amount of freedom to ask them. I don't know if that was the church environment I was in, or my own personal insecurities, but whatever the reason, I only have one memory of asking and then it was only one question. As a fully grown adult, reading all the way through the Bible for the first time, I finally found the courage to ask my pastor about my struggles with what I consider the genocide of the Old Testament. His answer was polished and practiced and thoroughly studied. With full confidence, he explained it away as primarily symbolic of our sin - we must deal seriously with our sin - wipe it all out, leave no room for it. If we leave it just the tiniest outlet, it will consume our life and draw us away from God. Period. That was the end of our "discussion" and I left quietly, still with all my same struggles. I did not tell him that I thought that was a ridiculous answer, contradicting what he taught every Sunday. This same church also taught me to take the Bible very literally, to trust it's historicity implicitly. If I do that, then this is not symbolic people I'm reading about - it's REAL people. And not just the soldiers met in battle, but their families - wives, children, livestock, family pets. I just could not buy it. I did not say anything. I did not ask any more questions. I packed it all back inside and felt "less than" for my doubts...for the next 20+ years.

I taught Sunday School, I directed Vacation Bible School, I homeschooled my children (where I taught them apologIetics and how to make the very arguments I did not completely trust), I was a pastor's wife -- yet never spoke of it again. One of my greatest regrets as a parent (and there are many) is that I did not give my children space to voice any doubts. I do not know if they had some of the same doubts I had/have. As I've watched them become adults and seen some of their own adult questions, I'm guessing they did. But to doubt, to differ, in the the environment I was in -- these were slippery slopes, sending one to quick and sure destruction. I left no space for questions or doubts - not for myself and not for my children. I towed the party line.

All these years later, I still struggle. I still doubt. I still sometimes get angry with God when I read the Old Testament.  I struggle when a story in the Bible seems at odds with science or history. I do not know what to do with what seem like huge contradictions in the character of God. I cringe when I hear teachers say things about God's ways toward us that would translate into horrific, abusive parents if it were us toward our own children.  I still cannot reconcile the God of the prophets with the God in Jesus.

But I do not feel "less than" anymore. I'm voicing my doubts. I'm asking my questions. I'm wrestling with God. And ya know what? God ain't scared. He doesn't love me any less for my questions. He does not need me to defend anything. I lean in heavy to the God of Jesus. For right or for wrong, I sometimes do a lot of skimming in the prophets. As I've read with less fearful eyes, I've realized afresh what a mess the people in our scriptures are. They are absolutely all over the place. Yet, there was God - right in the middle of it, revealing Himself to them, forgiving, giving grace, compassion, new chances, walking them ever closer to Himself, in Jesus. And I believe that is the same today. Right now.

I'm listening to/reading valid, thoughtful, scholarly teachers and pastors that have a little different take on things than what I grew up in. I have been incredibly surprised to find that they love Jesus! They love the scriptures! I don't always agree with them either. They still often leave me with questions -- much like the teachers I met in my earlier days, in different camps. The difference now? I'm not afraid of the differences. I pray I've opened doors for my kids to be more honest with me than I fear I allowed them to be in their time at home. I'm not afraid to talk about doctrinal or theological differences - sometimes big ones - like I used to be. I no longer believe a lot of those differences are deal breakers on whether you're "in" or "out". God is here - while we discuss and argue and fuss and slug it out. I'm convinced we'll all be surprised to see where the "right" answers land some day. God will not be confined to a box, no matter which camp is trying to keep Him there. It's less a slippery slope and more a wrestling match for me. I'm not letting go - and neither is He.

I've been in the prophets for the last several weeks in the Old Testament portion of my reading (probably the reason this is all stirred up again) and really struggling. And then God threw me a bone - Jonah. Gosh, I love Jonah. I love the God of Jonah. I love the drama and the humor. I love Jonah's pity parties. I love that God does not give up on him. He does not give up on Nineveh  (and also? I did not know until way later than I should have that the Ninevites were not part of God's chosen people - they were Gentiles - yet there was God, offering them compassion, grace, a chance to change - right there in the middle of all this Old Testament wrath and vengeance. - so. cool.) I love all of it - and I needed the break from the gloom and doom I'd been struggling through. I needed a time out from the wrestling match, as it were.

If this is not where you're living right now, the last thing I want to do is cause you to feel unsettled. Go with God, my friend. But if you are struggling with things you've been forever told are non-negotiables, please find some measure of peace in knowing that God is there with you, in the midst of your wrestlings. He's not shocked or horrified. He's not laying awake at night fretting. He is Emmanuel - God with us. 

I'm glad God is here for me in this space. I'm glad I'm not so afraid anymore. I'm glad I've met a God big enough to take me on with my doubts and questions and even some anger now and again. I doubt I'll ever have all the answers I want, but He and I will get through this. I'm sure of that now.

The Way of Jesus

Yesterday was hard. Yesterday felt like that prayer would never be answered. That battle would never be won. That Boundary would forever be a struggle to maintain. That person will always be hard. Yesterday felt angry. Hurt. Yesterday I wanted to be snarky. I wanted to give as good as I got.

And then God brought today. I love how He so beautifully weaves life together. I can continue in my self-pity or my anger or my unforgiveness. I can. But it will not be for lack of God placing beautiful reminders before me - ways of escape - better paths - ways of peace. 

This morning's readings during worship? Joseph and the forgiveness he extended to his brothers, a Psalm reminding me not to be provoked, and Jesus gently reminding us that we will be forgiven in the same ways we forgive. His way is radical, extravagant, crazy love. 

Ugh.

Our pastors had a water basin at the front and encouraged us to come pour out our souls, our pain, our struggles to Him this morning. They've never done this before. And honestly, as she began to explain it, I felt just a nudge of irritation. Not at my pastor - she's lovely. But at God. That He just won't let things go! I sat for a bit - thinking perhaps I could just let it slide this time - wallow a bit longer. But I couldn't. I approached the basin, still kinda angry, still wanting to be snarky and mouthy, but knowing I needed to figure out how to live in shalom - no matter how I am treated. I wanted God to show me how that looks. How do I set safe, smart, wise boundaries and still show the radical, extravagant, crazy love of Jesus? When I got up to the basin - I saw a pile of rocks had been placed in the bottom and here is what God said to me - ever so gently:

"Pour it all out on the the Rock. On Me. It is not yours. He is not yours. He is Mine. Stop trying to fix it. Stop trying to find the right words. Stop. Pour it all out. Here. This morning."

So I did. I'm sure I'll have to do that thousands of more times. Because the truth is, some of those battles will go on for a long, long time. Some people may always be hard. I may have to gently, lovingly, give reminders of that Boundary forever. I may spend my life learning and re-learning what it looks like, practically, to turn the other cheek, to walk the extra mile, to love as I'd want to be loved, to forgive as Christ. This may be the way of it. And that's okay.

We end our services every week by coming to the Table. We partake of the bread. The wine. We enter into His suffering, His life. His resurrection. We partake of His life and we do it together. We are all on level ground before Him. None is better than another - no matter what our week leading up to this moment has looked like, no matter where we are in our walk with Him, no matter how long we've walked with Him (if that walk started decades ago, yesterday, or even tomorrow), no matter our history. His forgiveness is for us all. His forgiveness allows me to let go. His forgiveness allows me to walk in peace. Shalom.

I can walk out this radical, extravagant, crazy way of Jesus because He is with me and because He has not left me alone.