Perplexed

"Perplexed, but not in despair" ~ 2 Cor. 4:8 

I read this early this morning and it was exactly what this often weary, perplexed heart needed. I've spent much of my life wrestling with the need to be certain - about most everything. And while I'm learning to let go of this and rest easier in, "I don't know," I can easily find myself sidetracked when I'm not practicing mindfulness and presence.

• I want to know. 
• I want to fix.
• I want to control.
• I want to understand.
• I want answers.

But here's real life: I do not know. I cannot fix it. I cannot control it. I may never understand. I may never get an answer.

I can tuck-and-roll my way from perplexed to despair in record speed. -- OR -- I can also choose to rest in the perplexity. Perplexity may often not be the final destination, but it also will not be an uncommon space in this life. Being perplexed, confused, filled with doubts, does not mean God is not still faithful and present.

I am not God. None of us are. To think we can fully know Him is hubris. To think we are capable of controlling circumstances or other people is utter foolishness. To constantly strive to be more, and more yet again, is a battle that will ultimately kill us. Yet, we strive, don't we?

I can remain open to learning, to understanding, to the new and previously unknown. I can unclench my fists, open my hands and my heart. Let go. I can choose to speak gently to myself and others as I wait. I can choose hope, even in perplexity.

May it be so.

Perplexed, but not in despair.