That One Prayer

You know that prayer? The hard one, the one you're afraid to voice and, when you do, it comes out weak and kinda squeaky because it seems like it's too much, too hard? It would require too many people to care about the outcome, who don't care at. all. about the outcome, for that thing to happen? The one you voice with, "Lord, I do believe - help my unbelief"? The one voiced in the midst of what feels like a long, long, dry, desert season of wondering if God is still listening, if He's watching, if He cares about this particular problem? 

That one.

Keep praying. Keep voicing, even when it's weak and squeaky, even when you're not sure you still believe, even when there's a long list of prayers He hasn't answered yet.

Because He does care. I don't understand why sometimes He does not answer, why sometimes He does not heal, why sometimes He does not intervene, or He does not move unwilling hearts. He CAN. But He does not. It is maddening.

This is one of the hardest questions to answer. Job asked it several millennia ago - and we're still asking. Still getting a lot of questions in "response" - and the answer?

What I've come to believe (and you don't have to agree with me - I'm okay with that) is that most of the time, He is going to let things unfold as they will. He gave us free will. We like that plan, personally, (when we get to do whatever we want), but do not like the pain it creates for this world, and us individually, when everyone gets it... But, unfortunately, you don't get one without the other, we don't get to escape the tragedy of our world-wide, corporate free will failures.

So... We get our self-made messes, natural disasters, illness, the prodigal child, the failed marriage, fractured relationships, the unjust and the unfair. Often times, it just is. I've quoted him before and likely will again, but in the words of famed theologian the Dread Pirate Roberts, "Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something."

But. And it's a big but...

Here is the answer -- He is with us. In and throughout all of it. 

Sometimes we are to BE the answer for the unjust and the unfair. The hands and feet of Jesus and all that...The child abused, the hungry families, the war torn refugee, the marginalized, the prisoner, the homeless forgotten, the desperately lonely - WE are supposed to be their answer. So, if we're praying for those people, but not taking action to be part of the answer, it ain't God's fault that it's not better.

But He is there. He hurts with us. He sits with us in the messes of our own making and gives us the strength to learn and do better. He holds us through debilitating illness and death. He is with that prodigal child when we cannot be. He holds our wounded hearts when people cannot be trusted... But He often does not intervene in the ways we hope and pray.

A few things...

~ Even when I'm too weak to keep believing, He is still there and He is still good.

~ He sees what I cannot. The unanswered prayers should still be prayed. He is trustworthy, even in His silence.

~ Praying the unanswered prayer is changing me. So I keep praying.


So...You know that prayer? The hard one, the one you're afraid to voice and, when you do, it comes out weak and kinda squeaky because it seems like it's too much, too hard? It would require too many people to care about the outcome, who don't care at. all. about the outcome, for that thing to happen? The one you voice with, "Lord, I do believe - help my unbelief"? The one voiced in the midst of what feels like a long, long, dry, desert season of wondering if God is still listening, if He's watching, if He cares about this particular problem?  

Sometimes He does answer - in big, astounding, blow-your-socks-off, only-God-could-do-that, mind-blowing ways - just to remind us that He's still here, still with us, still loving.  And this time? For us? He did.

He's such a show-off sometimes.

Be strong and of good courage.

He is with us.

I Do Choose

For quite some time now, I've been reading off and on from the Book of Common Prayer. More recently, it's been more on than off. I have found it helpful during those "spiritual desert" seasons. It has helped to guide me into prayer when I cannot even find words. It has helped me voice thanksgiving and praise, when I'm angry at God and then moves me out of that anger. It has given voice to prayers for others, when I would rather just not like them, moving me back to love of my neighbor. I have found peace in the words of prayers voiced in concert with thousands of others over hundreds and hundreds of years. I know some of you do not find peace in this, and that's okay. God speaks to us in different ways in different seasons. This is where I am.

If you are unfamiliar with the readings, each day has a reading from: the Old Testament, Psalms, the New Testament and the Gospels. A portion of today's gospel:

"Once, when he was in one of the cities, there was a man covered with leprosy. When he saw Jesus, he bowed with his face to the ground and begged him, 'Lord, if you choose, you can make me clean.' Then Jesus stretched out his hand, touched him, and said, 'I do choose. Be made clean.' Immediately the leprosy left him." ~ Luke 5:12-26 (italics are mine)

Our world is increasingly frightening. I am often overwhelmed. There are opportunities every single day that feel like I will be putting myself, and perhaps those around me, at great risk if I step into those opportunities. Some of those have hurt. Some of those have felt like failure - crushing failure. Jesus did not call me to be safe. He did not call me to live risk-free. He did not call me to live in protection-mode. He did not call me to be a success. He called me to reach out - to touch- the hurting, the people that have been deemed too far gone, or unsafe, or beyond help. This is scary. I'm certain I will be hurt, feel failure, in some of these opportunities. 

Jesus had a choice. He leaves us with a choice everyday. 

What will I choose? Will I choose to reach out to the broken, the hurting, the abandoned?

I pray I will choose as He did - as He does.

It is easier to circle the wagons and keep ourselves "safe", but this is not the way of our Jesus.

And this is scary. So, today I pray for courage.

At Least I'm Not Sad

If, in November, you check your box, punch your card, pull your lever, for Hillary Clinton - who are you voting for? You are voting for Hillary Clinton.

If, in November, you check your box, punch your card, pull your lever, for Donald Trump - who are you voting for? You are voting for Donald Trump.

If, in November, you check your box, punch your card, pull your lever, for Gary Johnson - who are you voting for? YOU ARE VOTING FOR GARY JOHNSON!!!!!!

If, in November, you stay at home, or go to work, or ride your bike and choose to abstain from voting - who are you voting for? NONE OF THEM!!!!!!

I am full-up with hearing that a vote for Gary Johnson is a vote for Hillary OR a vote for Gary Johnson is a vote for Trump. 

No. No it is not.

I had someone tell me recently that if I wasn't going to vote for Trump, I should "at least just be honest and vote for Hillary" - REALLY?!

This is America. Granted, it's going to hell in a hand basket, but it's STILL America. We get to vote - or not vote - for whoever (whomever?) we please.

Not all, but most of the people I know in this hand-crafted world are Christ-followers. Many of them are my friends in real life as well. We interact, we laugh, cry, live, eat, run, ride, work together. Some of them have prayed, researched, given thoughtful consideration to this - and they're voting for Hillary.  I do not understand it. But it's their right - I expect them to vote their conviction.

Some of them have prayed, researched, given thoughtful consideration to this - and they're voting for Trump. I do not understand it. But, again - I expect them to vote their conviction.

Some have done all of the above, and they're voting for Gary Johnson. Or maybe they've decided to not vote at all this year. I get both of these. I waffle between these two alternatives pretty regularly. But here's the deal, guys... They should get to cast their vote (or not) without someone telling them they are making a vile, irresponsible decision! It's their decision! They have to look themselves in the mirror for the next four years. 

But here's what I REALLY don't get... people that are voting for one the candidates, not because they believe in their character, or their political ideologies or their worldview - but because they believe it's the candidate that will give their "people" the most power, or the best positioning in congress or in the courts.

We are not to be a people seeking earthly power.

Find me one verse. One. that will support this.  We are to be a peculiar people. We are told, as Christ-followers, to expect to be in the minority, to be persecuted, to stand alone for what is right.

This world is not our home. We are not to be jockeying for power - to "take America back" - to win at all costs - to show the rest of the world who's boss - to "kick 'em out and take our country back".

We serve a King and a Kingdom. And this ain't it.

We have collectively lost our minds. We've forgotten where we belong.

Stop it. Please. 

Learning to Lean

Sometimes there is simply no good to find in the loss,

but there is still good in spite of the loss.

Sometimes there is no comfort in the pain,

but there is comfort in the God that sits with us in the pain.

No one will convince me that God wants this - that He wills what is happening right now,

but He is still present, (in the midst of), the very thing He does not want.

I do not believe in a God that would cause this to be,

but I do believe in a God that aches for restoration, alongside me.

He can bring beauty from the ashes,

but He did not cause these ashes.

He can bring strength from the suffering,

but He weeps with us in that suffering.

There is still good, still beauty, still purpose.

I believe He grieves with us in these times.

God brought water to an overwhelmed and dejected Elijah,
A vine to shade a selfish and mean-spirited Jonah,
He brought comfort to childless Hannah,
Forgiveness to Peter, in his betrayal,

He brought companionship to a lonely Zacchaeus,
He wept with Mary and Martha,
He brought forgiveness to His enemies,
Himself - to us all.

I believe, if we will let Him, He will wipe away our tears,

He will infuse us with Hope. 
With Joy. 

In spite of...

He saves our tears.

We are precious to Him.

This is the God I am learning to lean on.

You keep track of all my sorrows.
You have collected all my tears in your bottle.
You have recorded each one in your book.
Ps. 56:8

See That?

See that? 

Peeking through just the tiniest bit?

There are big, dark, gray, full-of-rain, clouds trying to block it out.

Trying to keep me from seeing it.

But it's there.

As big and beautiful and powerful as always.

It's sustaining us.

Doing it's work to sustain life on this big, blue marble.

Even when we can't see it.

That's Hope.

That's Jesus.

And He's here.

When I can't see him at all.

When I can only see just the tiniest bit of Him.

My inability to see through grief, despair, hardship,

Feeling stuck in seemingly impossible circumstances...

My sight being obscured does not change the reality of what is.

He Is. --- "I AM"

He is still big, powerful, at work.

He is sustaining me, you -- us.

Even when we can't see it.

That's Hope.

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Rom. 15:13

When It Seems Your Dream Has Died

All of us have likely come to this point. You wake up one day, rocking along as normal, pursuing your dreams, your goals, your mission - whatever you want to call it - when all at once, the proverbial rug gets yanked out from under you. 

And it's gone.

Or maybe you see it coming - over a period of days, months, years even. You watch the foundation begin to crumble. You try to strengthen, to shore up...you hustle to "fix it", but nothing seems to be working - and then, suddenly, it's a heap of rubble and ash.

What do you do? What do I do?

I mourn.

I rage.

I cry.

I lay in a fetal position.

I eat chocolate and potato chips.

I sleep little and worry much.

I whine and complain.

I cry.

I rage.

I mourn.

I grieve.

I get out of bed and go run.

I cook a meal that matters.

I call a friend.

I go to church.

I write.

I pray.

I get dressed and leave the house.

I love my husband.

I read a book.

I sit outside and listen.

I live.

Life is change.

Sometimes dreams WILL die.

Sometimes it feels like they're dying, when they are actually morphing into something you never imagined possible.

In the immortal words of the Dread Pirate Roberts, "Life is pain, Highness."

But also? Here are some other immortal words...

 “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”  -- That's Jesus.

Dreams will morph. They will die. Life IS pain. 

Sometimes they will resurrect - better than you ever imagined. 

THAT is my prayer today. 

I'm praying (praying passionately, fervently) for a resurrection. A life never dreamed possible.

But today - it's watching a dream die. Today - it's pain. I'll likely cry and rage today. But today, it's also life. I'll get up, get dressed, read, cook, pray, love.

Amidst all of this death, this pain, there is still life to be lived. Cry if you must. Rage if you must. Eat potato chips if it feels necessary (and it probably is). 

But don't give up. 

Take heart.

A New Chapter

Kid number 4 graduates from high school tonight. Three years ago, when we were graduating our "last" child, I had no idea we would be here again. Life takes so many unexpected turns, doesn't it? Just when you think you've got it all figured out...

Big days, like this one, bring such a mixed range of emotions. And I am all over the map today, kids.

Pride: Thomas has worked so hard to get where he is today. He has stayed in school - he's shown up - he has invested his time and his energy, his heart and his soul - he has done well. 

Everyday. Every. day., he faces down hard things and is learning to choose life at each one of those challenges. When he has failed to choose life, he is learning that a failure is not failure if you learn from it and keep moving forward. (We are all learning that together.)

Panic: I had seventeen years with the other three and panicked at what we hadn't accomplished, what we'd failed to teach, what we had inadvertently missed. With Thomas, we've had two years. Two years! That is not enough time, guys! There is so much we want to impart to him in this short time - what have we forgotten? What did we miss? The proverbial marbles-in-a-jar are gone! My mind races with what I could have done better.

Expectation: He's on a good path. He's got some big plans and I fully believe he is capable of achieving his goals. I am excited to see where Thomas's journey is headed. I feel confident it will end up looking different than any of us envision at this moment, but I am joyfully expectant for the good God has planned.

Fear: Life brings so much heartache. Thomas is, painfully, all too familiar with that, and at a far younger age than any of us should be. We don't want our kids to suffer. And while I know God is big enough for whatever life brings, the unknown still causes this Mama anxiety.

Anxiety: Thomas is staying around for a couple of years while he continues vocational training. One of our older kids stayed around for a year, the other two left almost immediately to pursue school and life outside of our home. Living with an adult child is much different. We're going to be figuring out new ways to live together. To give him the space to be an adult, but still respect and honor one another in a household of adults. This is challenging. It is hard for me to not be in Mama-mode all the time. It's a good thing, but there is still anxiety in the unknown, in new waters.

Peace: We've done this three times before.  My kids have made me proud. They have caused panic. They have given me many reasons to watch them with joyful expectation. They have given me cause to fear. 

And we've survived.

God has been good to us.

So I will choose peace today. Joy. Hope.

What we've forgotten, we will try to pick up as we go. Where we've failed, we will trust our God to redeem our failures and bring good. When there is heartache, we will surround one another with love and support. What we don't know, we will learn together.

This is life.  It is hard and it is beautiful.

Today will celebrate the beautiful.

Congratuations, Thomas!  I am so, SO, SOOO proud of you!