$3.00 worth of God

I would like to buy $3 worth of God, please.

Not enough to explode my soul or disturb my sleep,

but just enough to equal a cup of warm milk

or a snooze in the sunshine.

I don’t want enough of God to make me love a black man

or pick beets with a migrant.

I want ecstasy, not transformation.

I want warmth of the womb, not a new birth.

I want a pound of the Eternal in a paper sack.

I would like to buy $3 worth of God, please.

— Wilbur Rees

How much of God do I want?  I think scripture is very clear that He desires all or nothing.  He is very patient, I believe, with our journey… but when we do come to that moment of decision, “$3.00 worth” is not an option.

When I really stop and think about it… really, really, think about it – what is here that is worth holding back from the God of the universe?  What could I possibly be holding on to that I can’t trust Him with?  There are times when I hold onto lots of different things:

My husband – By trying to manipulate him into being what I want him to be; By being crippled by the fear that I might lose him, or fail him.

My kids – By trying to force their lives to turn out the way I’ve planned; By trying to protect them from every conceivable pain that could befall them.

My friends – By trusting them to be what only God can be (and being surprised when they fail at that!); By failing to both speak and hear the truth that will make our relationships healthier.

My time – I do not want to be inconvenienced, I do not want my plans interrupted or changed, I want to enjoy myself and be comfortable.

My things – This is the saddest one to me – that I would even consider my things as something to hold tightly.  They’re THINGS!  But I do… I can be selfish, stingy.

But if I really stop to think… what good does it do me to hold on to them?  Are they safer in my tight, life-sucking grip, or in His life-giving hands? 

I want to love Him to the degree that it hurts.

I want to love Him in a way that changes me – really changes me.

I want to love others when that love will not be returned.

I want to go where it frightens me to go.

I want to face the questions that I don't know the answers to.

I want to give myself when I will get nothing back.  

I want to trust when I cannot see the end. 

I want to let go when I want more than anything to hold on. 

I want WAY more than $3.00 worth of God.