When Moms Resort To Public Shaming

I've spent the last week and a half sick, hacking up a lung and unable to exercise. Since exercise is my primary mental health therapy, I'm not entirely sure I should be held responsible for my thoughts and actions right now.

So, anyway, in light of that information, last night, in a fit of the mother-of-grown-childen blues, I posted the following Facebook status:

Okay, so.... Wow! I no longer feel alone in the world of moms-with-grown-sons-that-do-not-respond-immediately-to-their-psycho-mother's-every-whim!  I was not expecting nearly the likes and comments that I received, so thank you -- I feel like I'm in the company of many great, but also lonely, moms. :)

Also, I feel like it's only fair to update you... One of my sons almost immediately texted saying that he really, truly thought he had answered already. And because I'm nothing if not gracious... Forgiven.

The other? Apparently I've done such a fine job of raising him that he knows better than to be forced into action by passive/aggressive shaming... So, I'll pat myself on the back for at least one (and perhaps only one) parenting lesson well-learned and just try to track him down for his obligatory hug and free food  when I get there. ;)

Thanks for your support, guys!

Mother's Day

I am eternally grateful for my Mama. She taught me how to be a mama. She showed me how to be a mama. She demonstrated to me the honor and privilege that mothering is.

I am also forever thankful to my mother in law. She raised a stand up man in my husband. They just don't come any better than Brian, and I know that is, in large part, her doing.

I love being a mother. There is nothing in this world I feel a more clear calling to than mothering. I adore every one of my kids. You will not see a mama bear come in defense of her cubs any faster than if you hurt one of mine. 

I love my born-to-me children. They have given more joy than I can describe or express.  I love my gifted-to-me son. He is teaching me daily more and more of God's magnificent love and our capacity to love as well. I love the extras that God had so graciously given...through my children and through friendship with some of the greatest young people on the planet.

I love that we can honor this high calling today.  We should honor those that do this well. Not perfectly, for we are all broken, but that do the best they know how to love well.

But I also am newly reminded that this day is excruciatingly painful for some.

Children with mothers lost; mothers never known; mothers that, because they were likely never loved well, did not know how to love well.

Women that ache over empty wombs or empty arms. Women that weep for children they are estranged from. Women that feel they've failed their children and do not know how to make amends.

So today...rejoice with those who rejoice. But also, remember to mourn with those who mourn.

Happy Mother's Day y'all. May we all do our best to do this thing well.

Life and Death

This tree is out near our garden. The ice storm last winter was not kind to it, but it has given me pause every time I've gone out to the garden since spring hit and leaves began to appear.

Life and Death - side by side - in the same tree.

Each time I look at it, these words of James, the brother of Jesus, spring to my mind...

No human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison.

 With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse human beings, who have been made in God’s likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers and sisters, this should not be. Can both fresh water and salt water flow from the same spring? My brothers and sisters, can a fig tree bear olives, or a grapevine bear figs? Neither can a salt spring produce fresh water.

I think James' point is that this ought not be.  But it so often is, isn't it?

Life and Death

Praises and Cursing

I've seen the looks in my kids' eyes, in my husband's eyes. In the eyes of some that have come to me for counsel.  

At times I've spoken encouragement in the face of their despair, I've spoken gentleness when correction is needed, I've given respect to their pain, I've spoken grace when disagreements arose.  And I see the healing in their eyes.

Other times?  I've spoken harshness in the face of their despair, I've spoken critically when correction was needed, I've made light of their pain, I've spoken with judgment when disagreements arose.  And I see death in their eyes.

Life and Death.  Praises and Cursing. How can these things live in the same heart? Flow from the same mouth?

James says they ought not.  I agree.

**********************

So what do we have to do with that tree to see it healthy again?  We have to cut out the dead parts.  This will encourage the healthy parts to flourish and will help avoid decay that starts when we allow the dead limbs to hang around there too long.  It's probably going to be awkward for a while - lopsided, out of balance.  But eventually, it will be good, right, beautiful again.

I need to handle the parts of me that speak death and discouragement with the same aggressiveness.  It needs to be gone.  

It's easy to make excuses...

"I've always responded this way."

"They don't listen unless I raise my voice."

"I'm sarcastic - it's who I am - they'll get used to it."

"Everyone has something - this is my thing that I just can't beat."

"They're just words - they just need to toughen up."

But those are excuses.  They allow decay and rot to set in.  Death.

I want my words to foster healing. I want to speak life.  

A bit later James gives us a hint on how to fight this battle...

The wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. Peacemakers who sow in peace reap a harvest of righteousness.

That doesn't leave much room for all my excuses.  A mentor I used to have would say that we can't just simply remove the bad - we must replace it with the good. So, instead of making my excuses, I must get rid of it - aggressively. Just. Stop. And then replace those words with those that are pure, peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy, impartial and sincere. That won't leave much space for judgment, for sarcasm, for harshness.  

It may occasionally leave us feeling a bit awkward, lopsided, as we learn new ways to think and act.  But we'll get there.  One day at a time - to become something good, right and beautiful.  

Speak life.

Friday

"Courageous people feel the same fear everyone else does, they just decide not to live like they're afraid anymore." - Bob Goff


Over the last couple of years, y'all have watched me journey through what it would look like to let go of my fear, to let go of my need to control my environment, to let go of the need to know the outcome before the beginning.  (Raising three kids was, and still is, a HUGE lesson in this process). You've watched me explore what it looks like, for me, to "do for one what you wish you could do for everyone."

I've watched dear friends foster and adopt.  My heart has broken over and over and over with them, with both joy and pain, as I've watched their journey...but I never felt like caring for "littles" is where we were supposed to be - as much as you people are my heroes (and you are - you really, really are).

My heart has continued to break for those older kids that are hitting adulthood with no one...that become a statistic for homelessness, trafficking, crime, abuse.  I see pictures of teenagers without a safe place to be and my heart breaks for them.  We've sent three kids out into the world.  I know how much they've needed someone that was for them -- that's gone before - even when they think they don't.  As much as my heart continued to break, I couldn't figure out what it would look like for us to live Jesus out in this arena.

About a year ago, I began to pray that Brian would want this - that his heart would beat with mine --whatever that would look like.  I didn't want to "persuade" him - this was WAY too big a deal to just talk him into it.

And ain't God funny - He did just that.  Without my persuasion, Brian started talking.  And he was talking about teens.

Six months ago, we began to talk with our home group about what faith working itself out looks like -- what it means to BE the hands and feet of Jesus.  Really - not just theoretically.  And we worked up the courage to mention this growing sense of what we were supposed to be doing to our home group.  And a dear friend, without missing a beat, said, "I know exactly who it needs to be."

Two months ago, we met him.  And now I marvel at the capacity of the human heart to open up, to grow, and to make room to love one more.  Over and over again.

He IS exactly who it needed to be.

He moves in tomorrow.  To.mor.row., guys!

It's been a long, paperwork-laden, stupid-number-of-hours classes process.  But he moves in tomorrow - Friday.

I have no illusions that this will be easy.  We honestly don't have a clue what we're doing.  But we're doing it. Your prayers are being begged-for here. And we are excited to see what God has in store for this journey.

So, that quote that I opened with?  For now, this is what deciding not to live like we're afraid looks like...here we go!

It doesn't look like this for everyone...but consider this -- what does it look like for you?  (If you already know what it looks like for you - let us be encouraged - tell us about it!)


Love Does

Are You Winsome?

Trapped in my home today because of our recent freak winter storm, I've browsed Facebook a little more than usual.  I never cease - never ever cease - to be amazed at the things people are willing to say when they are not looking someone in the eye – when they don’t really have a relationship with that person.

Today’s never-cease moment came when a Facebook friend posted a status about – well, it doesn't really matter what it was about – so, I’ll leave that part out.  The never-cease moments aren't actually limited to any one specific topic.  The person that posted claims to be a follower of Christ and I have no reason to doubt that.  Her post in no way departed from anything that most would consider Biblical teaching – in fact, it was compassionate and defending the cause of another, rather than themselves.  Yet, someone, also claiming to be a Christ-follower, chose to jump in to comment that she and those that agreed with her were in error.  Some of those that agreed with her are, by their own admission, not followers of Christ.

This “commenter” sounded critical, condemning, and judgmental.  I don’t know this person at all.  They may not be like this in person. They may not have meant it in the way it came across in a social media setting.  But in those few minutes of expressing their opinion, they alienated a whole host of people, likely caused pain to some individuals and hurt the cause of Christ.

We are called, as followers of Christ, to be mediators – to be ambassadors – to be people that point others to Christ.  To pull out an old, seldom-used-any-more word, our speech should be winsome and full of grace.  When someone that does not follow Christ crosses our path on a level that brings disagreement, we should take all measures to be grace-filled and kind – even in that disagreement.

Many claim that we can say these things “because we’re in America”. “It’s our right in a country founded on free speech and democracy.” “If they can spout their opinion, then I can speak mine.” “The truth will sometimes offend those that don’t want to hear it.” All of those things are true.  We CAN say it, it is our RIGHT, the truth sometimes does offend.

But – and it’s a big but…

Just because I can, does that mean I should?

Just because it’s my right, aren't there some things worth giving up my rights for?

Isn't there a difference in offending and being offensive?

Early on in my Facebook experience, I found myself caught up in a few of these threads.  It is easy to find yourself there before you even know what’s happened.  Misunderstandings are easy in this medium.

No more.

I have lots of opinions.  And I’ll voice most any of them to most any person.  But I will choose to voice them in the context of a relationship – where I've earned the right to speak into their lives – to disagree.  Across dinner tables and fire pits, sitting knee-to-knee in my living room, holding their hand and making sure they know the disagreement doesn't change my love for them.

When our need to express our opinion – no matter how right we think/know we are – becomes more important than the person we’re speaking to, something has gone terribly wrong.  When our need to post memes, statuses, comments, blogs and articles that scream our counter-culture beliefs becomes more important than those that will see it but will not hear it in any context of love and grace, something has gone terribly wrong.  It is polarizing and further isolates us from the very people Jesus spent most of His time with – the people He has called us to love. 

We may exercise our right to free speech, but in doing so, we may very likely push someone further from Christ rather than closer – is that right really that important?

Instead of standing up for our rights, making sure everyone knows we’re right and have the answers, let’s choose to be winsome.  Let’s decide to look people in the eye when we must disagree. 

We CAN say it on social media, but let’s choose not to. Let’s choose love.

Wrestling With God

Every other year, for the last 16 years, I read all the way through the Bible. This is that year for me.

I'm reading in Job right now. I used to just hate this book -- mostly because I didn't understand it. My thoughts vacillate wildly...

God was completely unfair, cruel even;
The words of his friends often sounded right, true, yet God rebukes them;
I hate that there are no sound answers, nothing gets answered or settled.

I want crisp, clean lines. Clarity. Definitive answers. Job does not give that.

Job's friends were like me. They needed clarity. They needed

(Dylan Black Photography)

right versus wrong. Us versus them. Formulas that leave no room for doubt, error or failure.

Just as they did, I forget - I get things twisted, I "major on the minors", I screw things up, I don't love, I'm selfish and unforgiving.  I want to be right, yet even when I'm right, I'm often still wrong.

I can get caught up in the drama. Who is right and who is wrong; who said this or that; the list making; the defending and posturing; the attacking; the quoting and misquoting.

With Job's friends, God shuts the whole thing down. And I find it ironic that He shuts down all the arguing, posturing, judgment - not with answers, but with questions. Questions they couldn't answer. Questions we can't answer.

Why? Because He is the answer.

I'm learning to lean into the doubt just a bit. Learning to rest in the unknown - in the unknowable.

I have spent my life leaning on formulas that promised clarity and blessing, but formulas always disappoint. I've spent way too much time trying to figure out who is right and who is wrong, and not nearly enough time with Jesus.

I've become angry and cynical with those who know it all (myself among them).  It's all beginning to sound like Job's counselors in my ears. All. The. Answers. Many of them sound really good, true even. But, as with Job's friends, they're missing the point.

When we make it about us, we fight all the time.  We wrestle and cast easy answers and judgements about.  We don't love enough.  We have to be right.  Always.

When we make it about Him, we can let some of that go.  We can be as patient in people's searching as He has always been.  We can love people right where they are - right OR wrong , as He always has.  We can slosh through the doubts because He walks with us in that journey. We can make it safe to struggle. Because, as with Job, God's still got this.

It's about Him.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

So. Here's what I've determined to do...

I'm going to keep leaning in to my doubts, the unknowns. He is there in the midst of it.

I will look my doubts in the face and not be ashamed of them. God is big.  He is certainly big enough to not be threatened by my questions - He was not threatened by Job's and I don't believe He's threatened by mine.  I'm going to keep asking questions, searching ... knowing I will likely never have all the answers.

But I'm tired of fighting - tired of needing to always be right - and certain.

I'll wrestle with God, but I'm not wrestling with you anymore.

I will love  - without having to have all the answers.
I will love extravagantly.
I will get my hands dirty.
I will learn to say, "I don't know," and be okay with it.
I will worship because He is worthy.
I will celebrate because there is still much good to celebrate.
I will rejoice because He will one day fix all of this and make all things new.

I will try to rest. I will never have all the answers. But just as Job learned, He is the answer. That's enough.

2014: Extravagant

I recently came across a short devotional about a concept called One Word.  In a nutshell, it was encouraging people to choose one word as their focus for the new year.  Rather than a list of resolutions that are likely out of reach, doomed for failure, etc., to choose one word that focuses you in on the change you want to see in your upcoming year. 

 

When I first began reading it, it actually kinda bugged me - just another gimmick, cliche-y, ...still just another thing to go by the wayside around mid-March.  (fyi- I'm struggling a bit with cynicism at this point in my life.)

A few days after reading it, and honestly, not giving it much thought, this word came into my head -- Extravagant.

It is a word that I've thought of frequently in the last few months - and here's why...

Back in the summer Brian and I had an opportunity to reach out to someone that was hurting.  It wasn't a HUGE, life-will-never-be-the-same-again thing, from our perspective.  Nobody's spouse was dying, nobody had just been diagnosed with a horrible disease...but it was a huge thing for that person, at that season of their life.  As we debated what our course of action would be (i.e., stop what we were doing - a planned, set-aside, fun event - and go sit with them in their difficulty, OR keep right on doing what we were doing, tell them we'd pray for them (actually pray for them), follow-up a little later, whatever), Brian said something -- "What would Bob Goff do?"

It struck me as kind of funny -- a throw back to the bracelet-wearing W.W.J.D. hysteria of a few years ago.  But here's where we went with it...

First off, as an aside, If you don't know who Bob Goff is, please take the time to follow up and do that after reading this.  Here's a link to get you started: http://bobgoff.com/lovedoes/  We discovered him after reading a story in one of Donald Miller's books and then later reading his first book, Love Does.  

I have no idea whether he is some deeply theological guy - but here's what he is... He is a man that loves - and loves big - loves EXTRAVAGANTLY.  Given the choice of loving, or doing ANYTHING else, he chooses love.  And that's what Brian said that night.  He said, "He would choose to show love - extravagantly."  I want to be like that.

And, not coincidentally, it's what Jesus did too.  

So, even though it probably is cliche-y.  It is probably a little trite, or another gimmick, I'm doin' it. 

My word for 2014:  Extravagant.

**************************************

From dictionary.com:  

ex·trav·a·gant

  [ik-strav-uh-guhnt]  

adjective

1.

spending much more than is necessary or wise; wasteful: an extravagant shopper.

2.

excessively high: extravagant expenses; extravagant prices.

3.

exceeding the bounds of reason, as actions, demands, opinions,or passions.

4.

going beyond what is deserved or justifiable: extravagant praise.

5.

Obsolete . wandering beyond bounds.

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I don't say this lightly, or with ease.  I don't have Bob Goff's personality.  I'm not all "out there".  I hide.  I hole-up by myself.  I'm prone to cynicism. I pull away.  And while I've learned to accept who I am - an introvert that draws my energy from time alone - I don't like who I become when I take that to its extreme.  I become negative and cynical. It's not pretty.  I don't want to be her.

So, given the choice:  

1.  Staying in my own ordered, quiet, organized world

or

2. Loving extravagantly 

This year?  I want to pick number two - almost. every. time.

I want to challenge myself to invest, to participate, to love - with extravagance.

2014: Extravagant