The Face of Pain

‎"It's very easy to take sides with the perpetrators of sex trafficking... all they ask us for is our silence." Judith Herman

Dylan and I were reading yesterday about the march from Selma to Montgomery.  We have read  much of the horrific things that were done to African Americans - my heart breaks and Dylan is enraged every time we read it.  I was struck by something yesterday, when we read of one of the turning points.  When the marchers were approaching, the police and National Guard met them with tear gas, guns, night sticks and attacked them – unprovoked – attacked them.  And the media saw it.  They filmed it.  They showed it to the nation.  And we, as a nation, finally saw what was happening. 

After that moment, many who had sat comfortably in their living rooms across America denying that such injustice existed, could no longer ignore it.  People, who were horrified when they were finally able to admit it, took action.  At the next march, the National Guard protected and escorted this very same group – except now, this group was much, much larger.  It consisted of blacks and whites, rich and poor – united because many had finally accepted the reality of the injustice and decided it was their responsibility to take action.  The fight was not over – it was long and hard, and still lingers in places today – but it is being fought and won.

What is it that allows us to be content in our own success, happiness, pleasure - and turn our sight away from what is uncomfortable?  James said that religion that is pure and faultless will look after orphans and widows in their distress - it will act on behalf of those who are oppressed.  

It is difficult to look into the face of pain because it causes me pain and pain is uncomfortable.  But God does not call us to comfort - He calls us to act.  

Faith, without works, is dead.

Throughout history, injustice has been stopped when those not directly affected were willing to get off their butts, out of their comfort zones, take some risks, and do something.  We look at history and say, “How could they not see?”  “How could they not act?”  Yet, we -- I -- do the same thing today.  People all around us are hurting, victims of horrible injustice, victims of wretched poverty not of their making, children raised in abuse and neglect, people disposed of for the convenience of others, families caught in cycles of poverty and abuse that they don't even know they can be free of, families enslaved, children forced to do unspeakable things in the name of another’s “pleasure” - and they need someone to act on their behalf. 

Our God calls us to this. 

 When will our generation step up?  When we will be willing to fight for what is right, even when it does not directly bring harm to us?  When will we be willing to give up some of our comfort to bring freedom to someone else?  When will we be willing to shout, “No more!”

I am thankful for those people throughout history that stood up, declared to the world what was happening, would not get out of our faces until we faced the problem - I want to be one of those people today.   I don't want to forget, and I don't want to stop looking for ways to make a difference.  

"The only thing necessary for evil to flourish is for good men to do nothing." (Edmund Burke)

mel-an-chol-y

mel·an·chol·y

   [mel-uhn-kol-ee]  Show IPA noun,plural -chol·ies, adjective

noun

1.

a gloomy state of mind, especially when habitual or prolonged; depression.

2.

sober thoughtfulness; pensiveness.

pen·sive

   [pen-siv]  Show IPA

adjective

1.

dreamily or wistfully thoughtful: a pensive mood.

2.

expressing or revealing thoughtfulness, usually marked by some sadness


That'd be me... Why, you ask?

Because this girl:

And this boy:

Just like maybe two weeks ago, were these kids:

And this last week, they both moved out - again.


Both seem much more final this time.  Erin will get married in May, so she won't be moving back home.  Luke moved into an apartment, so it just seems much more final - like he's all grown up and settled on his own. 


I know this is the natural way of things.  We've prepared them.  They love Jesus.  They're great kids and they're making good life choices.  So why does this make me meloncholy, pensive, sad?


I think it's because I miss the little things....  Knowing how their days unfold, the things that made them laugh today, the things that may make them cry tomorrow, the funny stories, the people they meet, the things they're learning... that kinda stuff.


I've always known all of that.  And they still share much of that with me, but it's in a summarized "it-was-really-cool-at-the-time-but-now-I-can't-remember-everything-I-wanted-to-tell-you" kind of way.


And, again, I know this is the natural way of things.  But, wow, it's hard to let go.  Hard to trust that you've done the best you knew to do - mistakes and all.  Trusting that God is bigger than the stuff that will come their way.  He's bigger than the mistakes they will make.  He has a good and perfect plan for them and it's better than anything I can dream up.


Maybe I've still got as much growing up to do as they do... :)


But - I still have one at home:

And bless his only-child-at-home heart - all my need to mother children, and only one to pour it out on!

Here's My Life

"We loved you so much that we were delighted to share with you not only the gospel of God but our lives as well,"  - I Thess. 2:8

I've been thinking about this verse for several days now.  What does it mean to minister?  to serve?  to be about building the Kingdom of God in this world?

I think this is what it means - if I'm not looking for ways to share my life with those that I minister to, investing myself into others, then it's probably busy work.  Most of it will be ashes on the floor when I stand before God one day (I Cor. 3:10-15).

And there's the kicker.  It's hard to invest my life.  It's much easier to invest my money; even my time and my energy - but to invest my life?  Then I can get hurt, I can be rejected.  It gets messy.  People are messy.  I am messy.

But - I think that's what it means.

So, I'm looking at what I spend my money, time, energy on - to see if I'm investing me - or investing right up to that point that I have to become vulnerable, and then stopping.

I'd love to hear your thoughts.

Bucket Lists

Can I just say it?  It's hot.

I'm sure no one else has noticed this, and I'm probably bursting the "cool" bubble you've all been living in - but it's really freakin' hot.

My favorite forms of exercise and staying-in-shape activities are all outside activities.  And it's hot.  I keep starting earlier and earlier trying to beat it, but it's nearly impossible now.  It. Is. Hot.

Okay... that's all out of my system - at least until the next time I go outside - so I'll move on...

I've been debating between a couple of goals to reach by the end of this year.  One was to do the 100 mile ride at Hotter 'n Hell at the end of August.  Last year I did the 100K and it was a great time.  A good friend of mine that did it with me was wanting to do the 100 mile this year and just about had me talked into joining her.  But now she has decided to put that off for another year and I've lost all momentum on that goal.  It doesn't take much to lose momentum right now (have I mentioned that it's hot? - sorry, I digress...).  So, on this one, I'm back to doing the 100K again.  I made it to 51 today!

Second goal, and I'm still strongly leaning toward this one, is to attempt a half marathon in either September or October.  I've been running for three or for years.  Started out more as "wogging", and while I'm still slow compared to most, I'm happy enough with my time and it has increased to what I would loosely define as running now.  I love it because it gives me time to pray, to process and think through the day, and relieves major amounts of stress.  I'm certain I'm a better person for it.

The furthest I've ran (run - which is it?) is 7 miles... so I have to nearly double that to accomplish this goal.  We'll see.  I'm gradually working up to running more each time so that my overall miles for the week is greater, and at least once a week adding a little more to my longest distance.  But I'm not a young chick anymore, and don't really have time for major injuries, so I'm taking it slow, seeing how my body responds to increased distance.  I find this goal really exciting.  I would love to check this one off my bucket list.  I have figured out that I'm going to have to invest in a hydration belt, because, as I've mentioned - it's hot.  I just can't go very far without water, and no one seems to be willing to set up water stations for me every mile or so - what's up with that?

Something to work towards gives me a reason to get out of bed in the mornings... and the fact that it's gonna be about a billion degrees by 10:30 gets me up and out early, so that's a good thing.

What's on your bucket list that you could check off this year?

Eight Days In

So I’m eight days into my Fast for Freedom.  If you don’t know what I’m talking about, you can look here: Fast For Freedom .

Anyway – eight days in.  I go through this during Lent as well, but it just amazes me how much I turn to material things to satisfy non-material needs.  I’m amazed by how often I do it, I’m amazed by the reasons I do it.  I’m amazed.  And not in a good way.

I gave up eating out and Coke, or any substitute I might be tempted to stop and get in lieu of a Coke.

The reasons I come up with to spend money on one of these things?

-         I’m sleepy.

-         I’m bored.

-         I’m lazy.

-         I’m anxious.

-         I’m happy!

-         I’m sad.

-         I’m frustrated.

-         I’m hot.

-         I’m impatient.

Here’s what it boils down to – I’m ridiculous… and I’m spoiled… and I desperately need to learn to say “no” to myself more often. 

I love the things God is showing me already.  It has afforded me so many opportunities to remember to pray for those I’m trying to help with the money I’m saving this month.  It has given me opportunities to share with and remind others of what the A21 campaign is doing when they see my wrist band, or ask why I’m not eating out, etc.  It is showing me how often I turn to temporal things to satisfy what only God is meant to satisfy. 

So, I'm excited to see what else God is going to show me this month - it's not too late to join me!

What’s your crutch when you’re having a bad day?

When it sucks, it really, really sucks.

So - in the name of doing what takes courage and telling you guys that one of my courageous things would be learning to be more honest about who I am... here goes:

There are times that I could really go all JamietheVeryWorstMissionary on you… (I wonder if she ever thought that would become a verb - no, wait, an adverb - someone help me out on that one).  Being a pastor’s wife really sucks sometimes – I will have to say that it doesn’t suck as much as being the pastor, but it’s a close second.

I really didn’t sign up for this.   We’d been married a long time and had three kids when he sprang this pastor gig on me.  I’m prone to melancholy, bossy, sarcastic, intimidating (I’m told), I don’t play the piano and I don’t like wearing dresses; I'm not a good hostess and my house is always messy – these are not good traits for the gentle, loving pastors’ wives you feel like you’re supposed to emulate.  God has gifted me with the ability to see beyond the surface of people much of the time, but not so much the ability to speak with grace and love in the moment.  I bow up like a mama bear when my husband or my children are unfairly attacked – and I can tell you, when you live in the glass bowl of "vocational" ministry, that is not an infrequent occurrence.  

Ministry means dealing with people – and I’m really not a people person.  I love them, I really, really, really do – but I’m very introverted, draw my energy from time alone, get overwhelmed in groups. 

Ministry means dealing with people – and dealing with people means you’re going to get hurt.  It means you’re going to hurt other people.  It’s just hard sometimes, ya’ know?  Forgiveness and grace are beautiful foundations of our faith, but sometimes very hard to apply in the hard moments of offense and pain. 

We pray and pray for God to provide in some area of ministry – we wait, we wonder if  He’s hearing, we wonder if His people are listening, then someone hears and obeys, He answers and it’s beautiful!  Then in less time than you can blink an eye, someone (and sometimes that someone is me) is mad about it – doesn’t like the way it’s being done, or is hurt, or offended.  We’ve seen it over and over again in the last ten years. 

We build relationships – we invest – we love -- and they leave – sometimes because life happens and they must move on, sometimes out of pain, sometimes we never know because they don’t tell us, they just leave…  Not all of them leave, but when it happens, every one of them hurts like it’s the first time again.  I just don’t get it.  I don’t get people.  I don’t get God.  I trust Him, but I don’t get Him. 

It’s at times like that, that I have to stop and review my list:

-         I’m redeemed from the miry pit of my selfish, sinful self.

-         I have a beautiful family.

-         I have a beautiful spiritual family.

-         The best friendships I’ve experienced have been carved out of the pain of living the hard parts of life together.

-         God is bigger than the pain.

-     God is bigger than the plan.

-         God is not surprised.

-         Even though I don’t get Him, He gets me.  He knows I’m but dust, and He’s with me – beside me when I can’t see the answer.

-         That I will speak again, with Peter, “To whom else would I go?  You alone have eternal life.”

 So, all that to say, this…  When it sucks, it really, really sucks.  But even when it sucks, God is still good, life is still beautiful, people are still worth loving.  I will continue to fight against the urge to give in to the melancholy, to fold back into myself and give up -- I just have to process, vent, pray, cry, laugh, and move on, trusting that God is in this thing.  

You could pray for me - that would be great.